I'm in Love...with George Washington!

Oh I am! I have been since I was about 4 years old. And it grows stronger and stronger. Especially now that I am reading yet another book about old GW, the original G. How one man and the decisions made affect history. Trenton and Princton. What a man! They don't make em like that anymore, letmetellyou.

Ahh, Porno makes everyday emails SPECIAL

All those alluring amatuers...not to be outdone by the sexy Grannies....and don't forget the giant clits.....and we'd be remiss to not mention those gals that want it up the ass....and they all LOVE "cum", it's true! Every last one of them! Tired of offensive images? I didn't think so!

I Objectify Men

I love doing it too, I love to look at them as pieces of meat, some of it prime, some of it destined for baloney. I like to think about x-rated things I could do to them while SPEAKING TO THEM, just to see if they pick up any vibes. I like to watch them as they walk around, check out their package, stare at their chests, that sort of thing. I'm an old pro and I ain't ashamed. Plus, if I had my way, I'd only hire good-looking, clean cut males, to indulge my every whim, I'd make then come in and rub my shoulders, bring me my lunch and generally do my bidding - with a song in their heart and a smile on their lips. I'd tell them they looked really good in red/white/green/whatever, they should wear it more often. I'd wonder out loud how such a dish was single. A girl can dream.

Fox31 Morning News

Has a way cute guy, check it out.

My Hurt Feet, or: How I Spent Last Night

Those shoes caused some sort of muscle reaction in my feet, whereby it felt as if they were trying to curl into a ball. Quite painful as you can well imagine. And strange. What price fashion? What price?!? I'm a Pisces, and everyone knows they have problems with the feet. Sexy, uncomfortable high hells contribute to said problemo. But, I laugh, I laugh at the pain. And wear my boots for my feet. Not the elf-boots though, they are for special occasions ONLY.

On a Day like Today, we Pass the Time Away....

Pat Boone, just right for the kind of mood I'm in: lovey dovey and ready for....the Beach. I'd like to go to the beach and get a nice tan. My tan is GONE, with the wind. Lucky for me, with my exotic background, my skin always has that healthy tan glow, I just like it to be much darker, San Tropei, burnt umber with a glossy sheen. *sexy*

Wogging

It takes a brave man to Wog, to Wog on a sidewalk along a very busy road.

Review of Reality?

Ok, I watch shitty shows, I do. America's Next Top Model, G-d I loved that show, I loved it! They showed it TWICE a week, which was great. I like Survivor, but only for about 15 minutes, then I get bored and switch in to MTV-II. On Mondays I watch Airline on some channel, it's good stuff, I would never work for an airline, I couldn't deal with the dumbasses. What times your flight? 2 pm? It's 2:20, you missed it fucker - back o' the line and no tears or bullshit. On Tuesdays I watch Real World, to get my hate on. On Wednesdays I rest. On Thursdays, I don't know. Listen, I'm a channel flipper, I stay at no channel for any length of time. I also don't watch cop shows. I watch HBO stuff, can't help it. And I watch Music Television. Like all the time dudes.

I've got the shoes blues today

Yeah, they're KILLING my feet, but they're so sexy and nice, I MUST wear them, plus they match my outfit. Now these shoes you'd never find on the foot of a granola-girl, they're much too stylish, the skinny strap around the ankle, camel colored, wedge-style high heels. Oh no, they'd never wear them, why they couldn't even WALK in them, while I CAN and DO. So I SCOFF at foot pain, if this be the price of fashion, then I pay up. And wait for two hours to pass so I can take them off and rub the feeling back into my toes.

It's too hot today

It is, is March dammit, I want cloudy skies - go OUT LIKE A LION already, since you've been a damn lamb too long.

Nothing brings me back to the 80's like...Lionel Richie

Slammed back into some weird-ass time I am glad is GONE FOREVER. Lionel Richie drove me up the wall then, and he still does. "Dancing on the Ceiling" is simply one of the worst songs EVER. How about "You Are" as in: you are the sun, you are the rain. Or..."Hello", is it me you're looking for? Oh Lionel, your hair still sucks - "and not in a good way."

Eye Doctor!

White tshirt ! Clinging! What a sexy little man. And clogs. But as you well know, I have decided to overlook the clogs.

Why are Movies NINE DOLLARS?

9 bucks and then I have to sit through fucking Twix commercials. If I MUST sit through commericals, then I demand Super Bowl Quality with Nudity, Profanity, Blood and Guts. For nine dollars I should get it. HOWEVER, there was a lot of "action" going on between the couple sitting beside me, well one person over. As there was a lot of strategic leg draping and suspicious movements beneath their clothing. I found that if I sat forward and I had a pretty good view. It was totally gross! It made me feel Dirty! Who am I kidding? There ain't nothing wrong with getting it on at the movies! Love! I love it! She was a Granola chick, sloppy and dumpy. He was kinda dumpy too but would clean up well I think. Granola Girls get the boys. I am so anti-granola chick you don't even know.

Eagles of Death Metal II

The more I listen, the more I like. Way better than Black Sabbath. Yea it is!

You Want To See Some Characters?

Take yourself down to King Soopers by Tamarac Square. Approx 6:45 pm Sat Night: Deli counter, old lady at cash register, flowered polyester dress, green heavy knit socks/knee-hi's, red shower sandals, earnestly speaking to the King Soopers deli clerk, wearing her King Soopers deli outfit and suave deli cap - atop of which was draped what looked like an open diaper. Some sort of deli promotion? Tie-in? I don't understand, I don't try to understand, I'm only here to give the facts. It's time like this I look around and wonder - where's the camera? And no, I won't sign release papers.

The Gods love Me Today!

I was supposed to volunteer today, but yeah-who, it was CANCELLED! It's awesome news really, as I was feeling a little ticked off having to waste my personal paid-time-off volunteering. Come on! As I stated before, I've gotten over the volunteer bug, all it took was lots of fluids and rest.

Being a City Girl is tough going.

The looks on their faces when you say: no, I don't bike ride. Or: no, I've never been camping. Me? Camping? Puhleeze. I could do it for one night two days at the most, and he'd have to be pretty fine/sexy and promise me a NICE night out under the stars for me to agree. I find I need Modern Bathroom Facilities. Working toilet, hot/cold water, shower. Everybody wants the Granola Girl. The Granola Girl that will camp with you for a week in the mountains, has her OWN bike AND bike rack, has dog slobber all over her car windows too! She wears jeans most everywhere, pulls her hair back all careless and natural like, always sports the wrong color lipstick, and wears fugly shoes. Okay? Got it! Go For It.

Keeping "Active"

Is not for me, and the men who practice the above - well, they're not for me either. People who partake in constant outdoor activity (you live in Colorado! they're sooo much to do!) are manic. I would also say they don't know how to relax. I am the MASTER relaxer. I like to relax and I like folks who like to relax as well. I don't need every waking minute outside of work taken up with something or other. I don't need activities on the weekend, EVERY weekend. I don't like to work up a sweat. I look foolish in bike gear, and bike helmets are for losers. Now, don't get me wrong, I do like to take long walks, just me and my Walkman. It's good to do. On occasion. Some of these tools I'm meeting need to give it a rest already.

I'm Going Through Doctor Withdrawal

I am posting from the home Castle, so no Dr. oggling today. Which is really too bad. I bet he wore the skin tight grey shirt....no! it was the white one, maybe the white V-neck one, can't be too sure it wasn't the black one though. Whatever it was, you know it clung just right. I think this guy is too active. Which brings me to my next post...

I've Been Told I Neeeed to Post

What? Post WHAT though? I don't have a thing to say, to write about, nothing running through my head. Now I'm thinking about....nothing. My eyes are being pulled to the left (MY left that is) to the TLC program about Singles! and the crazy blind dates that occur. Dates usually start off blind, any way you look at it. Blind because you don't know each other, having just met, or blind because you don't know each other, having never dated, or blind because you don't know each other, having only idealized visions of perfection. Any way you slice it, the gloves and glasses come off eventually, and knowing each other is inevitable. Speaking of glasses....

The care and eating of Koi

Can Koi be eaten? Are they as tasty as trout? Do they fight the line, or are they like lambs to the slaughter? Koi season is upon us. Yes, all winter the Koi have been swimming around and getting fat, making them plump and delicious for summer grilling. Plus, they're heart healthy. AND, they come in purty colors. Koi can be prepared in many delicious ways! I like Koi tacos myself.

I want the orange and white sploched one! With a Pabst and some tater salad. Hell, let's have Terry and Pam over too, we'll smoke Virginia Slims and whoop it up in the backyard. Ahh, summertime.

Oh Lordy

Look who's turning 40! It ain't me! I have been able to maintain my youthful beauty because of my regime, which included weekly baths in virgin blood. Yes! Isn't it crazy? But it works!

El Retardo Strikes Again!

I am SO ONTO YOU Simms17. That's right! Wipe that smirk off your monkey face! I mean it!

Eagles of Death Metal

Conan, 4/7/04. Watch it kiddies, they'll not disappoint. Gotta get my VCR all oiled and ready to RECORD, on my special Josh tape, which has recorded him in various positions (none of which were my choosing, so he's clothed), on various shows, doing his little act, with his little band, and his little jokes, and his flaming red hair.

I'm going to Philadelphia

Why? you ask - why the hell would ANYONE want to go to Philadelphia? After all, they ran Real World straight outta town! They just demolished their old lame stadium! People born in Philly are *weird*! To say the least.

This is why: Eagles of Death Metal - 4/6/04 - Kyber - Phiiilllledellphia Pencil-Vain-Ee-AA. Remember that song? Sends shivers up my spine...

People may leave Philly, but Philly never leaves the people. Gives me a hankering for a warm, gooey, delicious cheese steak sandwicho.

I'm Opening the Flood Gates

and letting the Filth pour in! To hell with ramifications and root causes! We love filth! You'll never stop the filth. Your only choice: submit! *eveel laughter*

Filth Has Been Banned From This Site!!

Commencing: as soon as we agree upon the definition of filth, then move forward with a thorough investigation of said filth, its ramifications, its BASE CAUSES, how we can better avoid filth in the future, how to cover the sensitive eyes of our gentle readers affronted by filth, how to compensate said gentle readers unable to sleep or eat since confronted with filth. Phew, so we'll have some definite answers next year sometime.

What is Sause?

Correct pronunciation: Saw-see

Sause is NOT semen. Sause is the essence of white trash. Sause is an inside joke you jokesters ain't in on. Sause goes with Pam and Terry like beer goggles and smokers cough. Sause is a Back Stab Setup the likes of which you ain't ever seen. Too much sause make you say ain't and dunno and double negatives and all that Jazz.

That is Sause.

Wedding ring? Check! Not!

No wedding ring. Which means: he's single, or divorced, or gay. The deadly trifecta. What will it be? I also found out he IS the eye doctor, all 120 cut pounds of him - soaking wet! And wait till you see how that white tshirt looks, all damp and clinging. Little show-off, what does he expect? Running around in skin tight shirts.

But I keep coming back to the CLOGS. Gawd! Clogs are L-A-M-E, can I overlook?....

Clogs are never appropriate. And don't give me any crap about "gardening" or "lawn work", that's what old sneakers are for. Are all clear on this?

I've decided to overlook the clog issue, that's just the type of open-minded gal I am, plus, like I would let clogs come between me an my object of perversion? No way!

Did I mention The Doctor today?

Looking good. Today, I check for the wedding ring. Yeah, and maybe make an appointment. But alas, my modesty stops me from entering the office and saying to the old ladies behind the counter - which on is the young cute one? gimme an appointment with him. Oh, to be brazen hussy....

Eagles of Death Metal!

Got the cd last night, listened to it about, oh 5-6 times. Ok, first off, there are shades-shades-shades of old Desert Session songs, like the background vocals on "Polly Want A Crack Rock", well it's right there on "I Only Want You". The lyrics are funny too, all around it's a good bet. Can Josh do anything wrong? Other than makeout with yucky poser faux-hawkers? Not one thing musically.

So what - so Josh tweeks things, going back to old tunes batting around in his beautiful head - so what if sometimes things sound alike but what do I care!? Not a whit! Josh rocks my world so hard, I heart him, oh I does! AND I get a groovy new poster for my Wall - Of - Rawk.

So go get a copy already.

Special Sause

What is special sause? Hard to define, to grasp, to understand. It's an essence, a scent, a way of life that says: what da hell? Uh duh, uh duh. Oh yeah!

Bwa-ha-ha

Yes! Indeed I destroyed this site! Just because I felt like it! My power is intoxicating to say the least. Now little brother has to work like a little fiend to get everything back up.

Oh, cry me a river already!

Night Out!

For those special occasion, Red Lobster. And when she slurps up the last drop of her frozen margarita, he reaches over with shaky-alcoholic fingers, to pull off the lobster necklace and place it gently around her neck. Cause she can keep it! The cup too!

Right on!

Terry & Pam

Terry: likes to drink, beer, likes to sit out on the porch on an overturned 20 gallon paint jug, sip his beer, wearing his stained wife beater and boxer shorts. Sometimes the beer wells up in him, no where to go, so he cries beer tears, but he ain't sad!

Pam: likes to SIP, beer, in her chilled Dunkin Donuts coffee cup, likes to sit in her HI-CLASS apartment, you know the one done all in BLACK, with GOLD accents, and PANDA BEARS everywhere? She drenches herself in White Shoulders, teetering and tittering around in her spike heels, all 6'6 300 pounds of gently scented womanhood.

They both like wrassling, and Lifetime movies. They both smoke cigarettes, HERS are Virginia Slims. Because she is a LADY - thankyouverymuch.

Part II: Night out!

This Week's Tunes:

some Marty Robbins, Jim Croche, Depeche Mode, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Adam Ant, Faron Young, Sauvacito. No stoner rock this week. Although I did order Eagles of Death Metal, the new Josh(*!*) thingamajig. With a guy from the Millioniares. Good stuff. All around.

I Love Them Tender - Tracey and Fender...

What kind of pizza stone cracks - CRACKS - at 500 degrees? No kind of pizza stone at all. See what happens when you buy into a fad? Heartache dude. What could one possibly do with a cracked pizza stone? I'm sure the real energetic, thrifty, creative folk would make some sort of some-thing with it, in a garden perhaps....re-CYCLE...re-USE. I can't think of another use. I can't, I've tried, it's a no-go. So...into the Dumpster, where once again it becomes: Not My Problem.

Word!

I have to volunteer tomorrow and I DON'T WANT TOO! Goddamn it and my stupid passing civic pride bullshit fancy! Yeah, maybe FIVE WEEKS AGO I wanted to volunteer, now I've come back to my senses...TOO LATE. Too late! Now I MUST DO IT. They need a little quicker turnaround I think, from the time they get your application till they put your free-working-volunteering-fingers to work! What the hell am I doing? Who knows.

Doctor: Update: Friday

Lunch time - parking lot, I exit my car, turn to see my little Doctor walking to King Soopers for lunch (so sweet), he's even better out in the sunshine. I can't stand it! The fact he knows nothing - this chick he passed and smiled at along the way to the store has duuurty thoughts about his hard, little body and the good uses she could put it to - is mildy amusing, to say the least. Least.

Exotic Amateur Sausage

Not quite. Had a date Wednesday night with a nice Jewish boy. He was cute. No, the title came from an award at some Sausage Festival in Wisconsin. I like Exotic Erotic amateur Sausage myself. With mustard. And onion. Delish!

Ex-squeeze Me?

Coolness of your own making? That's a laugh. Everyone knows that Simms17 would be a dork, rocking out to Hilary Duff or Lincoln Park or Snoop had it not been for ME introducing him to the Red HCP, or They Might Be Giants, or The Smiths - at the young and tender age OF SIX. Then, after the good strong musical base, I set him free, to find his own way.

They always forget, when they get big, who got them there.

And yes, you're on QOTSA probation! Not another word! Josh is so hurt, hurt-hurt-hurt. Yeah, him and his lame-ass 3 piece, all drunk and crazy and sexy, rawkin their little hearts out.

Phil Keating.com (again?? I know, getta life already!)

Has got some really ugly friends. I shun woven caps, winter hats, the kind you used to wear when it's cold outside and you're shoveling. Now it's all the bland white-boy trend. Blech. A lot of friends-o-Phil wear the cap - who'd a thunk? And there's HEIDI HEMMIT. Yeah, Heidi's from around my neighborhood! Lucky me! And when the two planes crashed midair she let her northwest denver creds shine when she reported LIVE from 32nd and Moncrieff. Which is pretty interesting, considering both streets run west-east, and shall never, ever cross.

You silly, silly beyotch. She's taking over Phil's spot as most ANNOYING NEWSPERSON IN DENVER. With her fake tough-reporter girl thing, Heidi's ON IT, she's got you COVERED. I'm tired people, so tired....

My Brother, some Hot Shot - here's his Ancient Chinese Secret...

Calgon, you know it! Brother, you went to see Queens of the Stone Age in October! Did you forget?? How dare you - HOW DARE YOU. I'm stripping your honorary Josh Homme badge. You are on PROBATION. Listen people - I try, I try to get him to listen to new music, I burn him cd's and say - hey, what'd you think of that band? He'll say: huh...duh...wha? Not necessarily in that order, and not necessarily all together. But, like I said, my coolness radiates off me like a red-hot sun, therefore Simms17 has got to get a bit of a tan. Anyway, everyone in the know knows the only the reason the sibling units are kewl is because of me...JacksOne.

Broken Record Time!

I can't stand it any longer! The eye doctor must submit to my will! The first step in the plan involves an appointment, to check the eyes and to CHECK HIM OUT. Maybe up close I'll be all like - no way...but I doubt it very much. He's so little and sexy and compact and hard muscled. I want him to sit in my lap, we'll talk charity and such.

Okay, this time next month - if I remember - I'll make that appointment. The first appointment for the first day for the rest of my semi blind life! Yeah!!! Then I'll take him to my casa and have MY WAY. Bwahaha.

If the eye doctor only knew....

PHIL KEATING HAS A WEBSITE!

Arrggg - uggghhh-blecchhhh! The emotions stirring within me - I cannot describe! I'm short of breath, my fingers are shaking and my knees feel weak! OH THE MAJESTY of this fucking tweetiebird mini-man fuckhead having a website fills me with....JUMP FOR JOY! JUMP FOR JOY! Time to get the HATE AAOOONN! Let's link up to that Simms17, pronto already.

reminds me of a song from the Village People

"Mama - where's the Heat? Gotta sleep with my socks on!"

a Suggestion to my "Peeps"...

Go out and get yourself a copy of SAHARA HOT NIGHTS. It's a band, an all-girl band from S-s-sweden and they R-r-rock. They do, oh they do. It's good early morning singalong bullshit rocknroll. You know, those Swedes know how to break it down: Abba? Hell yeah. Ace of Base? Right on. The Sounds? Hit it. And on, and on, and on.

Crowd Cheers! Confetti! Dick Clark!

No, not New Year's - Super Intelligent Mystery Monkey's have broken 100 visitors in just, uh, SEVEN DAYS! (that's the "celebration" - get it?). Yagghhh! The din is overpowering! Drop the Ball! Glitz! Glamour! Mystery!

First, we must thank the big man upstairs. Then, the parental units. Then, you, our fan(s), we couldn't do it without you!!!!!!!!!

We're Breaking 100 readers today - and We're Damn Proud!

Now all we have to do is get some COMMENTS. Statistically, and I'm figuring this out as I type (carry the 1, minus 4....) we should receive one comment from our adoring public within the next 100 visitors, from my calculations. Now, the calculations could be wrong, but of course, my doctor-rate in math-e-matics, I doubt it.

I got it BAD for the eye doctor and I cain't deny it

So little and cute! I can't stand it any longer! I must get my eyes checked! I must! Looking so fine in his tight fitting grey shirt. Delicioso! Muy Bien!

So Todd don't gets to play no more

Firstly, let me start by saying - hey, Todd is pretty damn sexy, all rough and tumble, sucker puncher that he is, and those tears, those tears got me right HERE, no lower, there you go. Todd, Todd, let me comfort you, rub your back, rub your stomach, hard with muscles from years on the ice, rub those muscular thighs, wipe away those tears little baby.

I can't comment on the injured Av's cuteness, as I remember neither his name or face.

Thusly, I shall end my sports commentary. Thank you.

The Language!

I'm shocked! Shocked I tell you! Cee U Next Tuessdaaay.

You Won't Have Phil Keating To Kick Around Anymore!

The tool is moving to Tex-ass, to become a Dallas-based national reporter for FOX NEWS. How do I hate Phil Keating? Let me count the ways....it all began one summer day several years ago, I was downtown, near Coors Field, perhaps I was attending a game, I can't remember - but I DO remember the sight of one cocky LITTLE MAN strutting down the street, giving all the girls the eye....Phil Keating. It continued, one day when I picked up a copy of 5280 "Most Eligible Singles" issue...and the sight of one cocky LITTLE MAN in a shiny python shirt and leather pants....Which brought me to one night in November, at a fashion show...and the sight of one cocky LITTLE MAN in fashionably (last year) washed out jeans/grey, with a matching grey type shirt and one diamond stud. I don't know why I hate Phil Keating, I just do. Chump. Phone Book Sitter. Good Riddance - you're Dallas' problem now! Finally, Sari Pador's chance to SHINE.

Some may say - JacksOne, you're just jealous YOU'RE not one of Denver's Most Eligible Singles. Yes, that may be true, but it's also true I'm one of Denver's BEST KEPT SECRETS. So There. Plus I'm ravishingly beautiful (have I mentioned that before?).

It also goes to show that the bland, mediocre, mild-as-opposed-to-hot-sauce type of people gain quasi-stardom for being the blandest, mediocre-est of the bunch. Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings....Phil Keating. Mark my words people - he'll be some national news anchor in a couple of years, resting his tiny behind on GOLDEN phone books and laughing all the way to the bank.

Desert Sessions - Crawl Home - Euro IMPORT (!)

With the VIDEO for "Crawl Home". I'm reassured, reassured that Josh won't become some MTV slave, he insists on making videos that are way too boring for the average viewer. The video is boring, just Josh and PJ arguing in a car. Yes, Josh looks delicious, as USUAL. I heard there was a pic of Josh making out with that joan-jett-wannabe-psuedo-sneering-punk-rock beyotch from the Distillers. I'm shocked! Shocked! PJ Harvey is: more attractive, smarter, she rocks hard for a woman and does her own thing, she is rock royalty. While The Distillers make uninspired, run-of-the-mill, fake-tough-girl music. She was married to a guy from Rancid (eye roll), enough said. The Distillers were the 2nd act when QOTSA was here in October. They suck. She sucks. I really wanted to see Millionaire, but arrived too late, in the middle of The Distillers set, I shook my fist at the Gods on that one - but what can you do? On the bright side, my favorite songs - Regular John, Mexicola, If Only - were all played. I have no idea why I'm writing this, as the concert was months ago.

Controver-see

I eat humans. Minorities and down-trodden Only. Please Comment.

Roasting Miller Moths

In the Cheap-Ass light purchased at WALMART, months fly in and they don't fly out. The landing may have happened months ago - and you're totally clueless till you turn on the light. 10 minutes pass. A smell, of burning something or other fills the air. Taking you by surprise, you're all like - what's burning - where is this coming from? Your lamp dumbass, your stupid lamp.

Hey Dorks -

Home on Saturday Night - punching in those keys on the Board - looking up the blogs, reading the bullshit. The Same Boat - that's what I am in. COMMENT - I DEMAND COMMENTS.

Blogs for Bush

Hello viewers. Wait for the Brother (mine) to post, because that's what you're looking for. I just write bullshit. I shun party lines, I shun descriptions and contraptions. Now's the time for rambling bullshit, because that's what I feel like, and dammint, SIMMS do what they want - when they want.

I don't know what to write - but I feel I must write something.

Witty! and Engaging! Unforgettable! Life changing! So I can be on Oprah and worship her up close. She'll be all like - JacksOne, what got you here? I'd answer - some dumbass blog - can you believe it? Plus the fact I lost 1700 pounds, that and adopting the 22 children, oh and my work with the headless orphans. I'm blessed! I was blissfully unemployed for a couple of years, living of the dividends you know, and had the chance to watch Oprah nearly every day. Oprah is one step away from a poison kool-aid debacle. In the Windy City - on the Magnificent Miiiillleee - in the Harpo studios. All the ladies, laid out on the floor, hair and makeup just-so, their Sunday best on, nails polished, matching purse and shoes - and really, a perfect little ending to a perfect little life. *sigh*

It's my Birthday Too!

It was Tuesday that is. And what did I get? Nothing. However, that's not to say I won't get anything EVER. In fact, I left a very detailed list: one international rock star, about 6'5, red hair, Elvis lips, way cool, totally rawkin. I promise to feed him regularly, walk him when I'm in the mood, and most importantly, keep him nice and clean with regular baths, which I will perform with great solemnity and perversion, because to me, that's just a good combination. I swear! This I swear! And this has to happen SOON, as the drink is pulling said rock stars looks earthbound - so in a couple of years he may very well be Keith Richards. And then, who cares?

I am SO over Ben Stiller

Yeah, here's his act: huh? me? don't know what's going on. I'm surprised. Taken off guard. People don't respect me. Aren't I adorable?

To which I say: Yes Ben, once you were, now you're NOT. Why I remember watching your show on FOX years ago, and I said - now this man is FUNNY. Now everything is "Something About Mary" regurgitated. Boring.

Speaking of Josh Homme

I need to post some pics of my number-one boyfriend.

Deep-rooted myth of cousin marriage based on Poor Research?

I don't care IF Albert Einstein married his cousin - it's wrong. I say this only because my cousins are in no way worth marrying. Plus, they're very ugly - my siblings and I obviously got all the GOOD genes (have I already mentioned how pretty I am? and modest?). So, once again I'm shut out of the whole "kissing cousin" thing. Now, let's say my cousin were JOSH HOMME, well then - I'd say: Cousin - start your engine!! *grrr*

One More Thing, about The Passion

A gentlemen in my office (verrry religious) was telling another employee about the Passion, he's going on and on - then the 2nd guy says "Wait! Wait! Don't tell me how it ends!" Oh yes, and did I mention Santa didn't die for your sins EITHER?!?

The Eye Doctor is IN

Looking very fine in a tight white shirt, have I mentioned his stance - back straight, shoulders back, chest out? What is it with the little man? I don't know...all I know is I need him to gaze deeply into my eyes soon, as he whispers in my ear "next line...ah, no that's a 'D'"....

President Bush - terrorist?

It seems like all this terrorism "stuff" is just that - STUFF. That's right people - you're being manipulated by the President. Another VRWC. Of course. I feel so much better, all those terrorist bombing? Bush administration. Manipulating YOU, of course. A relief! The burden! I feel so light and airy. Now we've got nothing to worry about! And when President Kerry takes office, we can invade piss-ant countries (Haiti anyone?) at WILL! Additionally, we will bend over and take it from the UN, and everyone else - just get in line! We're going to have our cake and eat it too, because Kerry is for AND against ALL issues! We've got you covered! This was all brought on by some dumbass caller to AM radio this morning, saying Bush fits the profile of a terrorist. Give me a fucking break.

Driving in Denver

It's how it always goes, you're driving along, making good time - up ahead you see a line of cars, crawling along, why? The reasons are many, here are a few...

1. A Buick. You know there will be trouble if there's a Buick in front of you.
2. Handicap sticker - same diff, pure trouble
3. Howard Dean sticker - and you think, like, they can drive the speed limit?
4. Dog slobber covered windows
5. Baby on Board sticker
6. Women

They cruise along, in the "fast" lane, a steady 25 mph. A line of cars? A mile long? Huh - cars BEHIND them? There are cars there? Wha? Duhhhh. It's pure arrogance, coupled with stupidity. You ain't going nowhere - so just sit back and wait for them to putt-putt home, or a chance to pass.

And don't get me started on phantom brakers.

For the price of a daily Latte - You could sponsor a Handsome Iraqi Man

There's THOUSANDS, they're EVERYWHERE. Yowzer, these are fine looking men, fine looking. It's time to do...my part. I'm willing to open my huge, western home for a few special immigrants. Firstly, the amenities: hot/cold water ON COMMAND, 24/7 television with 400 channels (!) including "sexy" channels, phone & internet access, centeral air, electricity a full 24 hours a day, pillow top mattresses with 500-thread count sheets, "haute" section of Denver with a view of Sloan's Lake and the QWEST sign (corporations rule!), hardwood floors, w/d, off-street parking and ME. And I'm so kind, and funny and PRETTY (did I already mention that?) and I make all the decisions, and I'm the boss, and it's not a democracy in the JacksOne world, (so they'll feel right at home). All I have to do is fill in the form and mail off my check! Right on! Charity starts at home, preferably in my lap.

Marriage...It's for ALL Tools, not just Straight Ones

I agree. The USA should recognize and legalize same sex marriage, it will happen in my lifetime. I'll trot out the old "my best friend is gay" line (he is), we've been friends since 1985 and he is a fine, upstanding gentleman who would make some lucky guy a wonderful husband. He is one of the best people I've ever known, gay or straight. He doesn't screw dogs or children (I've read the "once gays can marry, I can marry my dog - what's stopping me???" line too many times, - bitch, please.), he doesn't troll the parks for easy prey, gay pride parades make his skin crawl, he's kind to old people and animals, he works hard, he's funny and smart and kind and responsible. He's single, he wants kids, he wants to be married, I want him to have that chance. I hope he gets it.

That being said - I'll state again I'm not a one-issue voter, so I'll still vote Bush. Well, I am a one-issue voter in the sense I vote for the candidate I belive will best crush the freakazoid islamic death worshiping aholes to a fine powder. No matter how long it takes. Plus, Bush is WAY cuter than Kerry.

Hello Theerree Eye Doctor

From my desk I have a view of the entrance to our vast, steel and glass skyscraper - 100 stories high atleast, and anyways, there is this Eye Doctor I see every morning, he wears this tan corduroy dress coat, and it fits well but is kind of rumpled, it looks good, sharp, understated, a touch intellectual. He wears clogs, which is weird.

He's short and skinny, but the type of skinny that's all muscle, with a big nose and short black hair, so cute. And man, let me tell you he walks with PURPOSE and DIRECTION, and he parks his car as far out in the lot as he can! Healthy! Strong! 20/20 vision! No eye-candy today - pun intended - he never showed up - the bum! He's older too, verrry nice, hairy and dark-eyed. I am a pervert, I will admit that right now. "There is no shame in the monkey house"

Words of wisdom

Wow, we finally did it. I think I want my nicname to be NAUFL or Lowaa. Well anyways now the world, or at least the 2 people I send this link to, can read my inane ramblings rather then listen to them. Here is my sport "Nugget" for the day. Give Carmelo Anthony the ball, and just let him shoot. Gotta Love my Nuggets!!!

Hello Brother, hope you have access

Hello World, or the one or two humans reading this (minus myself of course). This Blog will be used to write about anything I choose, since I'm the supreme leader. It may be about some great music I just discovered, good books I have read, evil men/boy-childs I have had the displeasure of coming across, (their numbers may be few, but their legacy is never ending), my love/hate relationship with MTV, reality shows, mostly it is for ME, so I may vent through the keyboards, and g-d knows I need too.

Maybe some political bs thrown in for good measure. Oh, and don't forget Sports. This will be left up to my fellow Monkey, as he is the quasi-expert. If I write about sports, it will probably involve cuteness. As in: Jake Plummer, I can't tell you how relieved I was to get cuteness back in the quarterback position.

You may ask how we came up with the name SIMMS, it took a lot of thought. We ARE super-intelligent, we are VERY mysterious, and we love monkeys. There you have it.

Enjoy!

S.I.M.M.S.

Today's the first day of the rest of your Super Intelligent Mystery Monkey life - make of it what you will