Saturday, May 29, 2004

I hate Rocky DiSpirto with a Red Hot Passion

What a pompous little prick. Signing his book before casting his weak-kneed glance all around then pulling a crumpled up review from his back pocket and firing this guy. He's such an asshole, it's almost unbelievable. Will this affect his popularity AT ALL? It should. Listen, he's not that cute, he looks greasy most of the time, and he dresses way too trendy, he's gross and demeaning to women, yuck, and these women just lap it up, I guess it's true your ego would be pretty big were you Rocky Balboa-DiSiprto, if his right hand doesn't getcha then the left one will, you got a faithful wife, you can cook, you're going bald but you cover it up pretty well, you're eye of the tiger.... He's a real idiot. I don't understand, please let this show wreck his career. But who am I kidding? He'll only get bigger.

My UKB, some HotShot....

He's "besotted" with me, can you believe it?? Isn't that the best? To be the object of besotted-ness? It feels totally great and I love it so much. This could get very, very interesting.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Boo Birds

Tell me again, what does this have to do with graduating? Oh right, nothing, it has nothing at all to do with gradutating. It is simply and opportunity for a good ole lefty to rant and rave about our President. Look bitch if you want to rant and rave then do it on your own I DO!


No will not be in history books because it was just and isolated incident and frankly you old crusty douche wasn't torture. Torture would be to wash your scaly back with the tiniest sponge. Forced to clean every nook and god…excuse me. I knew this airline barf bag would come in handy some day. Of course this isn’t the first time I have been ready to beat some old geriatric ass!

Post post!

I don't feel like posting today. I have nothing to say! I want the three-day weekend to come so badly! The month of June will be a busy month. I have to go to Chicago for 2 weeks right in the middle of the month...not really looking forward to that. The thing is I have the last week of June off. I am not supposed to cuss. My Mom say I am to dazzle you with my superb vocab! Try this one on for size...SUPERCALAFRAGILISTICEXPEALIDOCIOUS! I probably spelled that wrong... ahh who fucking cares!

I just can't quit gushing about the UKB

And not in a "gushing orgasm" sort of way, but rather in a chirpy, thousand-words-a-minute gushy-girlie way. He went on a TWENTY MILE WALK yesterday, whatta guy! And can you IMAGINE those thighs? I know I can! It's great when one can objectify the male across the ocean! What a small and wonderful world we live in! Fortunately for us, we are free-minded products of Western Civilazation, which means we can like one another, we can go out and have drinks, we can hold hands, we can kiss, we can even make love (you dig) without threats of, oh, mutilation, the acid-in-face thing, the brother-killing-sister thing, the honor-killing-thing....yes that's right! It's great to be free!

Of course, he's got to get HERE to the Mile Hi City, before these good things can happen...but they will! You betcha!

So, what things shouldn't he miss in Denver? I know, CASA BONITA, but what else? What else?

Franz Ferdinand

ALL OVER MTV, so's I picked up the CD, it's damn good, they're from Scotland - and everyone knows my most favorite boyfriend is from Scotland, that'd be the UKB. Of course, my most favorite boyfriend of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE hails from Califor-knee, yes that's Josh. *sigh*

There ain't no Butter Churnin going on in Colonial Times

Why? Because they're all to busy making their 21st century STAND. I hate this show, and I don't care if they're bringing in new people, I still hate it. Bunch of publicity ho's out for their 15 minutes with nary a thought of keeping it "17th Century Real". Oh, I don't want to cover my hair, oh I don't want to attend service, oh I don't want to curb my profanity.

Listen, all you know these Monkeys here have dirty, dirty mouths. BUT, were we to agree to appear on the show you'd hear nary a cussword, unbelievable I know - but OH SO TRUE.

That being said, sure I'll tune in tonight to get my hate on.

Friday, May 21, 2004

Why Colonial House SUCKED...or wasn't very Entertaining

Listen, I want to see what it was like to live during those times...I DO NOT want to see how narcissitic modern-day aholes live during make believe Colonial times.

Commit blasphemy? You're burned at the stake. Don't attend Sabbath service? You're just asking for hellfire damnation to rain upon your sorry head.

No, instead we get the strident uber-fem, chip on the shoulder at the ready "would I martyr myself if I really lived during this time?" Uh, no, you wouldn't because you'd be too busy surviving to worry about making your stand.

Oh, then there's the guy who feels the need to announce he's gay. So what? What does this have to do with Colonial times again? Nuthin. That's why it sucks.

See what happens in Colonial times when people stop being polite and start getting real. Whatevah.

Wash that darn thing out with soap!

Fuck! I just called someone a filthy cunt rag...and that someone happen to be my bosses bosses boss......wheeeeww I just realized that it was all in my mind. Thank God for inner-mind dialogue or else this cat would be out in the alley scraping to get by. Laterz peeps and peace out to Killa Cos!

It is almost time for sweet nothinness!

I heart the weekends! I look forward to doing nothing this weekend...and I can because this is America punk!

Dammit bitch shut your trap!

Nancy "IMMACUNT" Pelosi is at it again spitting her dangerous liberal rhetoric to whoever will listen. We are onto to you Nancy! Check out the Nancy line if you dare!

Can't I make a doller?

DAMMIT! I knew they would catch on to my super secret hidden camera thingy. Right when I was about to make some big bucks with the live streaming and money shots! Oh wait that isn't me...ummm anyways don't look under your desk unless you want a big surprise!

Word up Cos!

Bill Cosby has had it with Ebonics! Damn that man sells some good puddin!

Well darn if it isn't Friday

Golly, I wish it were Monday, because then I'd have FOUR WHOLE DAYS to work my little fingers to the bone! JacksTwo said we cuss too much, which is pretty funny considering the blue streak pouring out of her mouth at times. So, this post I will have not ONE bad word! By the way...did you check out the little-nip'd boobie body of John Kerry's daughter? What a whore! T-t-t-that's all Folks!

Tuesday, May 18, 2004


I'm drawing a.....blank.....this Monkey has Wednesday off, and I'm gonna brew up some Meth and sit on my porch in my wife-beater and sip my Pabst. Because that's how I break it down in NW Denver, and yes, my neighbors love me, my special Meth concoction gives them unlimited energy to trim their lawns and walk their doggies and ride their bikes without end.

I watched Colonial House

Some dishes on there, let me tell you. As they get skinnier and scruffier they'll only get, you guessed it, cuter. I also find it annoying how these modern-day women like to get all high and mighty and impose their 21st century ideals on the 17th century make-believe town. Uh bitch? Shaddup and work, that's your role, deal with it.

SIMMS17 is Turning Over A New Leaf!

And it wasn't that my post below really made him stop and think, no, it was MTV's inferno. He said as he watched the two hoochies going at it (that'd be Veronica and Katie) he realized that fighting never solves anything, ever, that's it's always wrong, not matter what, and that he has learned the errors of his bad-ass Monkey ways.

To which I say: oh who is the Pussy now SIMMS17???

You got to keep the posts coming!

I can't tell you how many times I have told my sister that just because you posted a bunch on one day that does not give you the right to not post anything the NEXT! Kids these days! My co-workers took me out to Benihanas yesterday! I love that place and especially love it when I don't have to pay for the meal! I have to admit I almost lost it. Yes, honestly I did and I will tell you why...people that’s why. These old hooch and her young hooch sat down to eat and ordered all this stuff and then didn't eat it. I mean PEOPLE HOW CAN YOU NOT EAT THE FRIED RICE! They insulted the Chef, I mean Jose was pissed! I was like hey, yo it's cool just send that fried rice my way. I guess it all worked out for the best because I was able to eat double the rice for no price. What a deal biatchs! I suppose I should post something about what is going on in the world, but I just don't have the stomach for it today. It is just one of those days when you sit back and say fuck-em cause I don't want to deal with this shit today. Plus I have to go to the doctor for like 3 hours so that's lame. I hope I can get out early and make it to the Happy hour at my work!

Monday, May 17, 2004

Maybe, maybe it's time to turn over a new leaf

Cast aside the snide remarks, the snickers, the sarcasm. Maybe it's time to extend the hand, in friendship and love. Maybe it's time to listen, REALLY LISTEN as to why Wesley Clark nee Kerry would work for us. Maybe it's time to quit judging based on the boring factor. Maybe it's time to say - hey, taking photos with a digital camera takes just as much talent at the regular old-timey type camera shots do. Maybe it's time to admit that dammit, VW's are a good deal. Maybe it's time to say, rock climbing/hiking/biking is FUN. Maybe, just maybe I'm onto something here, a kinder, gentler Monkey, more palatable to the common Curious Stranger.....


I've Got This Feeling and It's Deep In My Body

It makes me wiggle and it makes my rump shake I said wha? If I should touch you you might be electrocuted- deep in your body you will get your first taste I said ....

Curiously enough, I'm getting a little turned on, who is this Curious Stranger, and is he cute?

Curious Stranger: It's time to love your Monkey. You want it, you know it, admit it.

The EDGE - Grandma's edge that is - and YES BABY I can HANDLE THAT

First off, been here ten years and still a stranger? Ok. Second off, still going to Prim-ass concerts? Ok. Thirdly drive a VW STATION WAGON? Ok. Take digital pictures of slang Lake sunsets (sigh, so pretty-pretty little kitten)? Ok. That ain't havin an "Edge" guy and I'm here to set you straight. Does having the "Edge" have anything to do with RightGuard deodorant? Cause that's what it smells like.

Go whine to Wesley Clark, you're both losers.

THE END. The Monkeys Have Spoken.

Curiouser and Curiouser

Curious stranger, you think you got edge? Let me see.... you have edge because sometimes, when provoked by a real car like say a BMW or SAAB you speed up to 76 in the fast lane? You got edge like a crack-head has discipline. You say you have too much edge than my sister would know what to do with. Sounds like you are trying to overstate something. The edge you have is slim and short. The only edge have is the one you climb on while in your outdoor excursions. See anyone who has to say they have edge doesn't have it. People who have edge just have it and other people know it. There is nothing edgy about 32nd or Sloans Lake. That was lost many years ago. Now trendy that is what you have and if you had said that then I would have bought you a beer...probably a micro-brew. The point is you would have won and that would have been that! Too bad Razor, better luck next time Sharpie!


Lots of people search for Kathy Sabine eating girthy hot dogs. Now that is something I would pay to see! No rain tonight folks cause Kathy is hitting the nail on the dig? Kathy is taking in all the precipitation that the BIG GIRTHY ALL AMERICAN BEEFYNESS can give! Ughh I think I just grossed myself out.

I'm way old school!

True indeed this cat can become "confrontational", when even provoked slightly. My shoulders are large and I have been known to check a bitch...literally. Anyways fuckwads, like I was saying, or I guess thinking. 10 years isn't shit. That means you never lived here when the Original Elitch’s was holding down 38th. That means you were never lived here when Pferfppfeoijho Park or whatever the park on Wolf and Moncrieff is called, was where NSM hung out. The backboards and restrooms were tagged, the hoops had bloody chains for nets and that fat kid known as Loot One was out tagging up all the stop signs! That was all back in the day when Cinco De Mayo was insane! Now that my friend is ole school and if you know that, then you can call yourself a North Denverite. I’m not saying that things were better back then, but don’t try to come off like you have been here through the lean years. If you don’t own a house in the Highlands with at least 200,000 in equity then you are new. Look bitchs' I know you scared, I know that you don't like it when the low riders cruise on Feds and that is why you are scared to death to drive on that street at night on the weekends. There is nothing to fear, you will probably be made fun, but hey that is the same shit you pull when they drive down 32nd. Yet I am sure that you say under your breath as to avoid a beat down. Honestly I love it when stuff like that happens. If I am not in the middle of it then you can probably hear me yelling in the background, ...Hit em...hit em in the face! As Psycho Realm said...why'd you have to fuck with us? I had to show you I was scandalous!

I saw the GIRTHY Commercial

That fat boy wants big girthy cocks shoved down his throat, over and over and over.

Way sickening - whatever happened to MJ schilling the dogs huh? Those were the days...

Curious Stranger? I ain't curious enough to investigate further

Are going to have to throw down? Will this monkey have to wipe the ashpalt with yet another sad white boy? Or, I know, let's have a DANCE OFF, then we'll really break it down, cause if there is one thing these monkeys can do that is trip the light fantastic.

Blah! I don't want to read any shizzle from no man no how no way. SIMMS - what say you? That's the crazy monkey, the one to really watch out for.

Oh, ten years in the Highlands? Sorry Charlie, you just missed the grandfather clause. Pack up the VW and head west my boy, right behind the others.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Cuba Libre -

Cause wanton posting, disregarding any sense of meaning or coherence. But, you know, that's what makes blogging so fucking great.

Shameful Admission

I'd do every stinking member of No Doubt. Starting with the drummer. He reminds me of one perfectly beautiful little blond baby punk rocker from my high school days, all big blue eyes, rosy cheeks and nice ass. Funny things is, I still communicate with said high school dish. He's still got the mona-lisa smile that drives the chickies craazzzeee.

I don't know about Gwen though, she's pretty flat chested.

Hey Kid ----

They don't call it "Ball" park for nothing.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Quick summary of last nights get-together

- Ladies come in
- I leave the room.
- Ladies drink.
- I drink.
- Kid annoys me.
- I kick kid.
- Kid cries to Mom.
- Mom confronts me.
- I accidentally and allegedly "feel up" Mom.
- Mom gets more upset.
- Wife, family and guests get upset
- I try to make up for it by clearing glasses and getting more drinks.
- I spill drinks on kids Mom
- I accidentally and allegedly try to "undress" Mom.
- I walk away
- I break three glasses
- Wife, family and guests are more upset
- Pass out in the bathroom
- Sleepy time!

I love hanging out and making new friends!

Girthy...uhh...what was that?

Has anyone else seen the new Ball Park Frank commercial and been as shocked as I was? Ok if you haven't seen it here is a summary. Fat guy grilling hot dogs. Fat guy talking about how he loves the taste of Thick Girthy Hot Dogs. Fat guy talking about how he loves anything girthy and the word girthy itself. Fat guy takes a big huge bite of hot dog and makes a face like he is having and orgasm and looks into the camera and says really porno like, "...mmmmm, Grrrthhhyyyy". Who's idea was this and how did it get passed the cutting room? If there is one thing that does not make me want a Ball Park Frank, it is a fat guy getting porno with me over girth. My God Man pull yourself together!

Chapter Whatever in the Saga of JacksOne communication with an Insane Graphic Designer with too much time of his hands, 2-2-2 much time....

JacksOne wrote: Oh, I thought you were referring to the classic Dustin Hoffman flick, with the famous dental torture scene, not to be outdone by the infamous man-on-man sexual drama played out in Iraq with all those poor whittle prisoners. Never being one to shy away from gay porn, I'm very curious to see the REAL graphic stuff, nice close ups of the entries and exits, if you catch my drift - anyways like I always say: in the Middle East man-to-man love is like an everyday magical happening - because the woman is forbidden (oooo) but the men can get in on like jack rabbits! Or camels! Allah approved! I digress.

What filming style would that be? Shaky hand-held camera style, all crazy going every which way? But loose? ANOTHER classic movie...

To which the WEGD (wild-eyed Graphic D) replied:
Nice banter! I am referring to the over sensationalized game show host, fake crowd cheers, HUGE smiles with crater sized dimples in the cheeks - speaking of cheeks isn't that where a US Soldier from Alabama tucks his rifle and his two hand granades when his sister isn't near by? Cheeks of an iraqi prisoner that is - not too surprising about the be-heading is it? What is the point of the Geneva conventions anyway, if they don't follow established protocol what are you going to do - wage war on them???

Now, some of the shizzle he says is a little like regurgiating bullet points from ABC Nightly News. HOWEVER, since he's a dish I ignore.

UKB - know what that means?

United Kingdom Boyfriend. How about UGF? Ugly Girl Friend. One in particular, the ugliest girl around with the crappiest car I've ever seen. I digress. MCR? Motley Crue Reject. I could go on but shall spare all you alls.

The Eye Doctor is such a Hottie

I hope I'm bugging all you alls! You know who I'm talking to.

The Answer? It's blowing in the Wind

So I went to the little party last night, and I say to you, my monkies: What Gives? This monkey is ANTI-SOCIAL, and I come from a long, long line of anti-social monkies, harkening back to the GWF (the Great White Father to the uninformed). The Wife must learn this, as the Husband of JacksTwo did: we're just assholes. We are. That's right - not only are we a disarmingly good-looking band of monkeys, we don't like other monkeys much, although we're always unfailingly polite. AND, we're sarcastic, AND we get laughs at the expense of others AND one another, AND we're way cool, AND we can kick serious ass AND we have kicked serious ass, you will know us by the trail of dead, which is a purty good band too.

That being said, I ended up buying a candle. But it was nice and I have a perfect place for it.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Life, it is a changing

Boy is it ever. My Wife has turned me into a social butterfly. We are always going out with people and doing that whole small talk, BS thang! I am also out doing community shit like 24 7. We have done the Walk for Breast Cancer, the Snow Shoe for Breast Cancer, Haley Foundation Golf thing, 9News Health Fair, protested against Walmart, protest for Walmart, thrown red paint on faux fur and fought for doggy rights in Denver. Well not really, we didn't do any of the Breast and Health stuff. Ok you dirty dogs, you got me I'm faking you out, showing you my left so I can sock it to you with my right! Honestly we have been doing that health, golf breast thing and it's not that bad I guess. Now she wants to do a Triathlon for breast cancer, thank God I am excluded from that, thanks to the fact I have a penis. Well tonight is the night of her big shindig so I will do my part. I plan on getting drunk and making an embarrassment of myself and family. I'll let you all know how it goes. Shalom!

Oh that...that was nothing.

As Bobby Deniro said, "Fucking Greeks".Greek authorities have played down the triple bombing of the police precinct, which occurred in the pre-dawn the work of anarchists who regularly set off minor explosions near banks or government buildings... This all the more reason not to go to Athens for the Olympics. These fucks they have in charge don't take threats or terrorism seriously. I can already see a horrible repeat of Munich. I hope and pray nothing like that happens but when you hear the casual brush off of comments and actions like these then you have to wonder. Look assholes there is no difference between anarchists and terrorists. So don't make a distinction between them just take action!

Go to Athens?

Yeah right. Mark my words: this olympics will be the lowest attenedance event EVER. There WILL BE islamist bullshit going on - count on it. Also, count on the fact that nobody will take a closer look or keep an eye on the fucking arab assholes that will be all over.

Once I wanted to go to Greece, maybe someday down the road I will, but not for a while. I'll stick with Australia for now, and as I state below, I'm bringing the BRITS to ME! Bwa-ha-ha.

George Washington would be so proud of me!

No one wants to go...for good reasons!

Someone is trying to sell their trip to Athens and the Summer Olympics at my work. The trip is the following:
Two airline tickets to Athens on International Transatlantic Air that leave from New York (extra fees involved if not leaving from New York).
Accommodations at the Cecil Hotel, a Tourist Class hotel located in the heart of Old Athens. This is a standard room for six nights. This hotel is located convenient to the Suburban Railway, which will provide access to a number of venues either directly or in combination with special shuttle service. The hotel facilities, location and magnificent view make this an ideal location for Olympic guests. Breakfast is included.
Event tickets to:
Opening Ceremony on 8/13/04 @ 9pm
Football (soccer) prelim match on 8/14/04 @ 6pm
Tennis - first round singles on 8/15/04 @ 5pm
*note that additional event tickets can still be purchased and are available at face value online
Traveler's insurance (which covers for trip cancellation, trip delay, accident/medical expense, accidental death and dismemberment, medical evacuation/repatriation, baggage/personal effects, baggage delay and assistant services).

I guess they originally paid 12,000 for it and are trying to sell it for less than half that. No one is biting; it has been on our intranet for months. This is just insane; whoever thought bringing the Olympics back to Greece was a good idea was smoking some bad shit. It is way to radical and way, way to close to the Middle East. Now there are bombings and threats against Westerners if they visit for the Summer Olympics. They should move the Olympics somewhere else. Half the accommodations and arenas for the events are not even completed yet! They still have time to make it right and send it somewhere else. Then again these are the same people who Awarded China the next Summer games.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004


Kathy was seen protesting the Elitch's Walmart with John Kerry, Ed Sardella and Phil Keating. They smeared themselves with non-dairy cheese and soymilk. The chant, "Walmart Never, Alfalfas or Trader Joes NOW", could be heard from miles around. Things got a little heated when some local pooches were let loose and began attaching the protesters. Thank God for "Kathy Sabine", her quick weather wits saved the day when she ordered the other three protesters into the Discovery. I was sorry to hear that the leather was ruined and the stench itself may never leave the car. I guess that's what happens when Kathy Sabine, John Kerry, Ed Sardella and Phil Keating’s bodies start slappin...from doing the wild thang!

Back to work!

Finally, I can work again. That's right get the lube out and start your engines, it's party time! Get back to work you filthy SOB's cause it is loving time!

Kathy Sabine, Kathy Sabine!

Ha, Ha I made you find our webpage in your stupid little search for your ugly weather chica! NOW POST A COMMENT PUNK!

This is horrifying!

Yes people what happened to American Nick Berg this past weekend is much worse than any hazing of Iraqis! It is just so sickening how the liberal media is pushing this Iraqi prison shit and forgetting all about the Americans that REALLY WERE KILLED AND REALY WERE TOURTURED! Americans have to be vigilant because these assholes will kill or injure you just because you are an American...even if you are a Muslim American!

Kobe is innocent!

Yes I honestly believe he is. He pleaded not guilty yesterday in good old Eagle County, home of those Bachelor bitchs! He is also going to sign with the Nuggets next year...but that is another dream. If he is innocent then after he is acquitted he should sign with Denver. What better way to re-build your persona then to take the bull by the horns. Make the people who could possibly hate you the most, cheer for you and begin to love you. That is what I would do if I were in his situation. Plus the Nuggs can give me more cash than anyone else!

I dun following orders!

It's jus a damn back stab set-up! I watched this stupid interview last night. You know, suck it up and take responsibility for what you did and don't try to pass it off and just following orders. If you didn't want to do the shit you did then you shouldn’t have done it. There are tons of soldiers who were at the same prison in the same area and did not participate. If there was someone giving you these orders and you didn't want to do them then you should have ran it up the chain of command. But you didn't, you just went along like a stupid sheep. This is the same behavior as a stupid Boulder Beer Riot(AKA We are Rich White kids rebelling against Mom and Pops while they are still footing the bill for our BS Liberal Arts Degree).

Out of Air, Air America?

Air America is still getting bad press. Let's all thank God for that!

Monday, May 10, 2004

Socialness is not next to Godliness

My Wife is very social. I am only social with extremely cool people. My wife is cool but she has that thing in her, that girly girlness. She loves to entertain and blah blah with other ladies. It is driving me to the edge and to Paxil. I am that rolly thing in those social anxiety disorder commercials. I sometimes feel uncomfortable in front of people I don't know. I sometimes get nervous in front of crowds and I can't use public restrooms. Wait...that is not right, I choose not to use public restrooms, but that is another story from a post long, long ago. Anyways my chica is having some chica party this Thursday and YES SISTERS YOU HAVE TO BE THERE TOO!!! The thing is I got conned into watching 4 kids. I was only supposed to watch my niece but now thanks to my lovely wife I was volunteered into watching 3 other kids! The only thing worse than other people’s dogs is other people's kids. I hope they like sitting down because that is what they will be doing for 2 hours. My niece can play and stuff cause well she is related to me and is the most beautiful baby ever (until my Wife and I have a kid). But the other little rats must sit and eat their soup. FINE! I give in I won't be mean! Actually I never mean to kids only to Adults. It still sucks though, they better be clean and well behaved or I'll have my niece whoop their asses.

Kathy Sabine Blows!

And not in a good way. I was chilling in Lord Thornton’s Castle Friday day night and in walked Kathy Sabine. She looked decent, clean; you know the type of gal who has a glistening, hairless non-aromatic vagina. I thought well I might as well cruise on over for a chat. I yelled hey is that you Kathy Sabine? She replied yes and appeared to flash some of her lower kneecap area at me. I found that to be very strange but paid it no mind. I know that the 9News team is very busy and I figured that Kathy’s knee was just a bit hot. So I arrived at her table sat down and asked her how the weather was going to be on Tuesday the 18th of May. Apparently she was already wasted because she refused to answer my questions and just kept rambling on about Tony Zarrela and Peter Forsberg making beautiful babies. I paid it no mind. We began to chat and it started off nice her sipping her white wine and me and my Sol. Then it got kind of nasty. Kathy asked me to remove her shoes because she wanted to dance. I did as I was told and then we hit the dance floor. The music sucked but that did not seem to bother Kathy, she was moving and bouncing out of control. I tried to leave but she grabbed a hold of my belt and began to grinding me and trying to snag a feel of my crotch. That really hurt and I asked her what was she wearing under that damn Dress suit and lifted her skirt and to my horror I saw her rusted chastity belt. I cried out but no one could hear me over the booming bass. She pulled me in and said that her old man kept the belt on her because she has a tendency to out of control. It smelled real bad, like and old rusted lawn mower. She kept insisting that wonderful things lied beneath the belt, wonderful rosey things. I was told she had figured out where the key was hidden and that she wanted me to take her home, get the key and ravage her like a wild rabbit. I scared! I yelled out again and stepped on her toe, but that just made her more excited. She started talking dirty to me. She told me that she could and would make my barometer rise and that she wanted me to bring some humidity into her life because she wanted to fell all hot and sticky. That made my stomach churn and I had to excuse myself to facilities to relieve myself of my dinner but I could not remove myself from her strong weather telestrater grip. I then returned to my sense and tried to reason with her I said, look Kat, I'm married and I can't play that way. That seemed to work for a bit but then she asked me to unbutton her Dress suit and rub her nylons. I again rebuffed her and tried to change the subject. I asked her if she ever wore anything other than red dress suits. Her answer was no unless but that she would love to see me in them with her. I finally pulled away and said, ENOUGH! I can't hang with you Kat; you’re just to damn freaky. I know she was hurt but she said ok and then I said ok and we parted ways. That my friend was my evening with Kathy Sabine and like I said, she blows but she has a heart of gold.

Now you're telling my Bro to move to Thornton?

Why don't you dickweed? Sounds more your style. Or, how about Lafayette? You'd do well there, full of new homes and safe, safe places to hang. And you all can keep your little noses in the air, because while you'd drop the big bucks at "Trader Joe's" you'll be damned if you shop at Wal-mart. You stuck-up Fucks.

I see all you you everyday. Dressed the same, talking the same, drinking your coffee in the morning, Chipolte or Heidi's for lunch? Sounds divine! And some free-range curry chicken for dinner? Oh and you KNOW the exact right wine for spicy curry huh! And on the weekend you get all geared up (who you riding for Fool?), strap your bike to the top of your VW/Honda/Range Rover and ride! You listen to lame music, real loud. You eat boring food. You fuck boring people. You ARE BORING.

No - YOU MOVE. You GET OUT OF NORTH DENVER. And we can harken back to the time where there was TRUE DIVERSITY amongst home-owners, renters and businesses. The whiteness is creeping past Federal (you know Federal? The Street you ALL AVOID because it's full of MEXICANS? Yea, we hear your little conversations), till the boringification of Denver is complete. We'll all be drinking soy milk before we know it. But not me! I'd rather die on my feet then live on my stomach with my head stuck in the sand of Boring Central.

I was told to get a job

That statement really baffled me...I was under the impression that I always had a job. Damn...I guess I better inform my Mortgage company that they won't be receiving a check this month. I was also told to move to the suburbs where I belong. Well I was also under the impression that North Denver was my barrio; from way back when whiney bitchs didn't dare set foot in Sloans Lake after dark. Oh well, I guess the lame cunts of the new Highlands are taking offense to my struggle. Who fucking cares? Well to be blunt, I don't. They can all go fuck themselves. The North Denver Tribune reports that the community would much rather have a Trader Joe's. To that I say: go back to Fucking Oregon or your Cali Suburbs. See in North Denver we have a bunch of fucks who think they are living the urban lifestyle. Vespians on their Vespas, the Heck's Angles on their weekend warrior mobiles and the usual suspects who are well just there and really annoying. I am sorry...but you're not Urban, you're not Hip and you sure as hell are not Cutting Edge. How do I know? Well because I am all those things and so much more! The protest will continue! Walmarts plight will be heard by the masses and as much as you assholes hate can't stop it! That's life so suck it up, take a big bite of your low-cal salad, wash it down with your soymilk and get ready for the future. Caution is the key, as Aceyalone said,"..Gimme five feet all around the WORLD.”

Friday, May 07, 2004

Moms beware

The enviros are making an issue out of Mom day . Just let me add this, I have lots of mercury in me. I has helped me out allot in life. I was always the fastest kid in school. I had cool armor to wear and the Greek kids called me Hermes. The best part is I can fly. Look up next time you have a bad thought and I will be there to give you the thumbs up. Good job boyo, it's ok, hit em...hit em in the face dude.


Here is a truth when it comes to terrorism and the US It always comes back to Oregon. The only good things to come out of Oregon is my wife and Nike! Amen to sweatshops!

Blah blah blah blah blah!

Teresa Heinz Kerry is in a category all on her own among political wives. She's a woman who seems comfortable with contradiction. She's an environmental activist, but she owns three SUVs. Yes she is a whore and feminist, yet she is against prostitution. Come on TK they are just working ladies trying to earn a dollar...HOLLA!

If I don't post...

Then you will read nothing new on this site! Man it's the weekend bebe and I'm going to attack it like a fat kid in a pussy parlor...and that would be known as hardcore. The weather has been so nice all week and my back hasn't been raging since that quack popped it. These are good things and I am willing to add a cold Sol, ray and some jamming tunes to make it all a great thing, RIGHT ON! The only bummer is the sports scene in town has narrowed significantly in the past week. No more Nuggets and no more Avs games. Well I guess we have the Rockies but I just don't get into baseball like I used to when I was knee high to my Mom. I need more now!
Completely random here...very, very off the wall and cutting edge, anyways I was in my sisters neck of the woods, NORTH SIDE! NSM... you dig Holms? Probably not, anyways all the wimps have their No to Walmart sign with a stupid unhappy face on it. I mean these fucking things are everywhere. Some of the bigger bitchs even took down their no war for oil and not in my name posters in order to make room for the Walmart ones. I just had to laugh and yell at the top of my lungs as we drove up Tennyson to Moncrieff, WALMART IS COMING AND ALL YOUR SAD PUPPY FACES CAN'T DO A THING ABOUT IT!!! I was getting stares from the local fucks sipping de-caf in 88 degree weather, gasps from the bitchs leaving yoga and my goodnesses from the people just trying to enjoy their neighborhood. Well so what? Like I said your stupid faces don't mean shit! I know I'm mean and don't give me this bullshit about trying to make myself seem bigger by putting other people down. Honestly I just hate people. I'm getting better I mean I got married so that shows I can love...doesn't it?

Thursday, May 06, 2004


We cuss here, we cuss there, we cuss everywhere. I'm pretty fucking tired of it too.

I know what you mean about pussies

I mean - you say : I like your pussy -- and the girls get all pissed off? Like a guy can't love pussy? Like that makes him some sort of wimp? Because he likes to wind-down by petting his long-haired pussy at night? It's because everything is sexualized (right on!) nowadays, so when one speaks of their undying love of pussy, well, people get the wrong impression.

You people are sick! BUT, not as sick as ME! Bwa-ha-ha....

Speaking of the EYE DOCTOR

Where oh where can you be Dr. P? I'm missing you! Well, I miss oggling you that is. He's probably on vacation, with his fugly wife you doesn't understand the dish that is RIGHT THERE BESIDE HER. Lovely to look at and better to hold, but remember: if you should break it, to you it is sold.

I'm buying!

Precious Moments

My sister-in-law sent my Wife some pics of her new wittle kitty kat! So I sent a response to her saying that it looked as if she has a very beautiful, lovely and energetic pussy. I just can’t get over how cute that furry little things is, it just makes you want to stroke and pet it. I really do prefer hairless, not as messy, much better for my allergies and easier to kiss. That being said it so precious that I would still love to kiss it. I'd lick it or I should say give it a cat kiss, but again that whole hair thing could be a problem for me. I then told her to rub it tenderly and give it a bath for me. Well I guess nowadays you can’t compliment people on anything because now my Wife is mad and my sister-in-law hates me. I was lying anyways, that cat sucks.

Early Vaction

Damn, I was really looking forward to unleashing my Froggy-Style at work today. I guess I will have to wait until this whole HIV thing blows pun intended.

Dems and their desperate urgings

Jimmy you is a lame-ass

Finally someone agrees with me about Jimmy Carter. Here is a great interview from Front Page Mag with the author of the new book, The Real Jimmy Carter: How Our Worst Ex-President Undermines American Foreign Policy, Coddles Dictators and Created the Party of Clinton and Kerry.
about why Jimmy sucks the big one.

My aching back!

So my back hurts and that's not good. I finally went to see a chiropractor and the bastard tells me, well I think we can fix it, but its going to take 3 visits a week for 4-6 weeks. Then after that it is going to be another 2 visits a week for 4-6 weeks and finally 1-2 visits a month. Umm ok so let's see, my back will be fixed in about 12 weeks and thats is 90 dollars a week for the first 6 weeks and then 60 for the next six. Wow, so you expect me to pay you 900 dollars in the next 3 months? Well excuse my French sir but please go fuck yourself! Now I know why real doctors hate chiroprators. I told the bastard I just wanted to pay him my 30 dollars now, have him pop my back and to tell his nurses or whatever the fuck they are called in the chiro biz, to stop staring at my ASS!

Kerry's Fairy response

"I want to know, as I think Americans do, is this isolated? Does it go up the chain of command? Who knew what when?" Kerry said. Well actually it was the President who ordered all the poses and pics...didn't you know that John? Oh, yes everything that ever goes wrong anywhere in the world that involves Americans in any way what so ever is the Presidents call and fault, right John?

They have another American

He is from Denver and is a Civil Engineer. His Mother and Brother had a news conference here in Denver, CO. Let's hope and pray that this hostage situation ends as well as the last.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Cinco De Mayo!!

Hooray for Mexicans and stuff! Yes to Chile Verde and no to that fake bean chili shit! Yes to Burritos and no to wraps! That's right today is Cinco de Mayo, now back in the day that used to mean cruising and having fun. That was many years ago and one helluva nice Beamer ago....325is why did you have to leave me? As my compadre in crime 88 SAAB convertible ain't going to cut it! So now I must petition the hire ups to borrow the cars. I am afraid that Mom's Audi station wagon is well a station wagon and Padres Explorer has seen much better days and no longer has the dope dubs I bought for it...thanks allot DAD! Middles sisters Explorer ain't to fly and neither is the Bro-in-laws Suba-who? That leaves the big sis and her fancy new SAAB! Yes I will take care of it; no I won't get in an accident. I don't think we will be going fast enough to get in an accident. I guess I could take the truck it's pretty Kick-Ass but we might be mistaken for some young cheddars in their pre-cheddar truck. I don't have the hat, boots or stick to, to pull that off so I think that option is out. Which brings me back to the Sis-SAAB. Damn fine car, have I told you that? Did I mention I look divine in it! So come on it is the 5th of May. The celebration of the battle of Puebla! We are brown and proud let's show it! Pass me the keys and toss me my shades cause I'm outta here bebe!

Today this Monkey is H-H-Happy to be Alive

Aw yeah! Good day today. I checked out this other blog, some liberal guy, curious stranger. He lives in my neighborhood. Huh? GO AWAY. Go back to the East Coast. Has a picture of his VW STATION WAGON when he was out in the WILDNERNESS. Yeah, but he went to see Primus, so he's still got that "edge", oh he hasn't submitted to the Boring Coloradoan image quite yet, but give him time! He's well on his way! As the Specials once sang: he's just a stereotype. Right in my backyard! Yea Me!

But even that cain't keep me down! No it cain't! I'm HIGH ON LIFE TODAY.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

You Know What Sounds Good?

A Deep Plug Aeration, with the 3" plugs, deepest in town. That sounds good, it would go well with exotic amateur sausage. Call before it gets too hot!! Maybe that would finally save my lawn.


I'm very sensitive when being accused of being a....yuppie. Okay - where's my Volvo? Don't have one! Where's my black lab/golden retriever? Don't have one! Where are my birkinstocks? Don't own any! Where are my khaki shorts? Don't have ONE pair! Where is my Dave Matthews CD? Huh? Like I'd listen to that dribble?

Any way, everyone knows a REAL yuppie wouldn't know the name Josh Homme, while that one name sends me all a-flutter! Flutter! Flutter!


Right and you think your not a yuppie, well I have news for are! That is ok because you are a good yuppie.

I have told you monkies before of my Charitable Leanings

I'm taking it one step further. As the long-time SIMM readers know, I offered my home as a refuge for all those fine, displaced Iraqi men. I am now offering a home for those displaced and "tortured" Iraqi "resistance fighters", or your common, every day Saddam thug.

They've been BROKEN DOWN and they're ready for some FEMALE domination. Being made to feel like a woman worse than a bullet between the eyes gentlemen? Oh yes, you'll feel more like a woman than any time before once you get to mi casa, oh yes you will! And you'll learn to say: thank you Mother may I have another? and I will HAPPILY oblige. These bitches are begging for it - the pictures don't lie! More pictures! Graphic hard-on ones please, if you've got em.

Bwa-ha-ha. I love being an American Woman.

It has been said, by those lesser than Me

That I shall score in 2004. This may or may not be true, but my best bet in scoring lies in Scotland. Oh yes. And I love to hear his sexy voice when he calls. And he asks what kind of car I have - I answer and he says "ah, you're quite posh then?" Aww yeah I am! Then I proceed to tell him of my palatial home on the western slope overlooking this great city we call Denver.


I. AM. NOT. A. YUPPIE. I have never been! I will never be! Why, is there a MORE insulting thing you could possibly say? Is there a more low-down, back-stab set-up thing you could imply??? Say what you will, this Monkey ain't never been a yuppie.

I will however, tell you of my new Boyfriend.

Wal-Falfas or I mean Whole-Mart

The end is now! I know I have said that before, but I really mean it this time. Wal-Mart is moving on up to the North side baby! I can’t wait to go to the Elitch's Wal-Mart and buy my discounted DVD'S! Yes, I hope they make it big and ugly like all the other Wal-Marts. I want the yuppie swine (Including my Sis) of North Denver to have to suffer the influx of vagrants that all Wal-Marts bring. Yet, I repeat, most of all I just want it so I can buy my cheap DVD's. With prices made off the poor workers of Wal-Mart, the old or disabled person who hands you the cart when you walk in and the old or disabled person who says good day as you leave. Thank you! Thanks to you folks I get my DVD's at around 4 dollars less than the competition. To me that makes the entire difference baby. I know Wal-Mart raids the old people homes and local hospitals to steal these people and force them to wear nothing but a blue pull over with Wal-Mart on the front and some other shit written on the back. They are put out there to answer questions that they can’t possibly comprehend. Forced to meet and greet and talk to themselves in public, it’s sickening to the soul! Dammit, if I could save the retards and grannies that are forced into this life I would! Reality must set in; I can’t save the poor bastards I can only appease the system that oppresses them by purchasing more things! Every time the Wal-Mart rollover smile face bounces a price…an old person or handy man is burned. I guess that is how they heat the place. Horrible stuff, I know, you are probably wondering how I was able to find out all these creepy details. I owe it to some hard times in lock down. While in rehab for feeling hurting I was taught by the touchiest of feelies that Wal-Mart was worse than anything else…ever! Thank God I didn’t buy that bullshit.
Therefore I say fuck it, shop at the hell whole and love doing it! I can't wait to walk in get my cart from the strange entrance cat and see all the bitches, who were protesting, enjoying rock bottom prices. I am petitioning to add a dollar mart right next door! Property values mean nothing to me, when the property isn't mine! I will drive you out and put in miles and miles of these dollar stores! Then I will move on to 32nd.
Have you ever been to 32nd, or as I like to call it 30-2nd to nothing? If you have then you are probably the type of asshole who wears leather sandals with khaki shorts and stupid Abercrombie shirt or if you are a female then you have your Capri’s on with your weak tank top and a pair of pointy-high heeled witch shoes. Most likely you are in your mid to late 30's, are contemplating kids at around 40, drive some sort of Volkswagen, have a black lab and voted for Al Gore in the last Presidential Election. Anyhow, you people suck. Yes I know you know that and I know that you know that I know that! It is me who drives down 32nd and yells fuck you and taunts your stupid doggies with sausage! It is me who on Cinco de Mayo scares you all away with my booming BASS (The Girls really do like the cars that go BOOM!). Yes indeed the Half Mexican is coming! Now it will be me who brings your the 5 dollar-dollar store! So get your wallets ready bitches cause I have your medicine! I HEART CAPITALISM!

Thomas Dolby

Ain't the way to start your day, let me tell you this much.

Monday, May 03, 2004

Fuck Ted Rall

Ted Rall has the amazing ability to read peoples minds, not just any people but dead people, "Tillman, who earned $18,000, falsely believed Bush's wars against Iraq and Afghanistan had something to do with 9/11." Liberal fucks still don't get it, oh if we hadn't made wars than no one would be dead. Ummm no that is incorrect if we hadn't fought back there would be many more deaths and they would be here in America because the terrosits would know we were not serious about fighting and stopping them. This bitch doesn't get it, he can only write his liberal whine because of people like Pat Tillman who believed in fighting for this country and our freedoms.


I guess some of Kerry's brothers in arms feel that John is 'Unfit to be Commander-in-Chief'.

And the lone American hostage ESCAPED!

Yah! He did. Now we'll get to hear the following story (variation of): Dairy Farmer - out of work! - desperate - farmland desperate in the middle country of the USA! - taking dangerous work for Halliburton (ewww, *ee-vil*) - forced to go to a foreign country and risk his life for *ee-vil* or *ooii-elll*, financed of course by Halliburton - yes, he's put a price on his American life, but all is well.

I'm glad and happy he is homeward bound.

I want to see more Torture Pictures!

Those sexy ones, of the naked Iraqi's piled atop one another, soft brown skin meeting soft brown skin, heated glances and hotter moments of LUST. With silly goofy American's smiling behind them. Those ones! They should of done a slow-motion man to man prison video too! What's the big deal? Everyone knows the men fuck the boys in the Middle East, it ain't no secret. Because G-d forbid they touch a female! Can't have any of that! No, so they screw each other till they find the lovely maiden to marry/enslave. I knew a person who knew a person who lived below two guys from Saudi Arabia, and every night he would hear those two making hot & heavy man love. But they're not gay!

Saturday, May 01, 2004

My Beautiful Monkies

Welcome back to Simms17. You are right, I do not post enough. However, in my defense I will state that it takes time to ruminate over the various bullshit (worthless I might add) before I put it to work, here on Super Intelligent Mystery Monkeys. Work for all of you tools that read but don't comment. I know you! I see you RIGHT NOW. Don't deny.

Let's talk about Michael Jackson. It's apparent he's trying to appear more "normal", hence the new 'do and eye glasses. Yet, still, he's a super-freak. Right now, his new "conservative" image is still scary as fuck, almost scarier than earlier versions, I mean the versions of the past 10 years.