Wednesday, July 28, 2004

I've Got a Pet Peeve

It has to do with license plates and month/year stickers, and I've noticed that certain folks 'round these parts just cain't seem to foller directions, and end up placing them stickers all over, EXCEPT the part where theys supposed t'go.

Take for instance, a lovely, sun-hardened-blond woman driving her Explorer in my neighborhood, with her "save a Forest remove a Bush" bumpersticker. Like the beat-up 1990 Celica covertible that parks in the same garage as me. Tags all messed to hell. Or the mommy minivan, GMC. Kerry sticker. Fucked up tags.

Monday, July 26, 2004

Isn't it funny..

How liberals are all for free speech just as long as it is speech that agrees with them.  Leonard Gendron, of Boston found out just how hospitable the left can be while trying to exercise the same right as the Peace Protester during an Anti-War rally Sunday in Boston.  Look you liberal bitches Leo has just as much right to be ranting and raving about all his crazy shit and you do about yours.  That is a very hard point to get across to a liberal.... trust me!  Just because you don't agree with what is being said does not give you the right to silence it, it is that simple!

Friday, July 23, 2004

Linda please!

Listen Ron-hag only open your mouth to sing and eat, preferably less on the second.  Linda had another outburst at her latest show and again the people bolted!  Although I do believe Neo has solved the mystery behind all of this!  The Bayou Buzz  also has an excellent take on this entire circus!


UKB'S are doing the nasty and spreading nastyness around the great wide world! Keep it in the pants fellas!

Is John Kerry in Denver today?

WTF?  Who cares??  I don't.  Not one little tiny bit.  Not at all.  Rest assured we'll see story after breathless story of John Kerry and his boyfriend John.  Listen, I'm all for man2man love, really couldn't find a bigger fan than this Monkey, but I think the age difference is pretty huge.  I mean, what does John have in common with John?  Nothing.  John is just looking for a Daddy and John is happy to be one.  Lead the way.  Show him what's what and what goes where.  It's kind of...a bit...tiny bit....touching.    A Precious Moment moment.

I was rear-ended last night

Not in THAT way.  In the way:  homie-d out Lexus hit me, going about 10 mph.  All is well.  But this monkey has a sore neck and jaw to show for it.  No damage to the Saab - thank G-d!

Thursday, July 22, 2004

So it begins!

I told the world that the monkeys were coming and you bitches didn't listen.  Here is the proof, click it if you DARE!

Fo realz?

Simone! Apparently I just drove through a wall cloud and word is that ain’t ever been done before.  I knew I was good people, but I just had no idea I was this damn good!


I just got pounded by a couple of inches of marble sized hail and rain on I-70 in Aurora!  It got so bad I had to throw my truck into 4-wheel drive!  It's a complete white out...errr water out...umm anyways you can't see shit and it's a free for all, so if you got the guts then get the glory!  I also had to create a contraption out of my windshield sun guard in order to make it back into my building from the parking lot.  Thank God for my mind!  Well anyhow if you live in Denver I suggest you move your nice cars into covered parking PRONTO!

Excellent news part 2!

This Monkey is getting a promotion!  Right on brother...right on!

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

My Brother - some Hot Shot!

Here's his secret:  he looks just like his dear old sister.  That would be...drop dead gorgeous. 

I dun told you!

Update on the the picnic incident:  A set of twins who were in attendence had their Mom ask my Wife when they could see me again because they just loved me.  Boy I tell you, it's been going on for years but it still feels like the first time.  Ladies, I can only give my time and attention to one chica-my Wife, so I'm sorry you are just going to have to make due with hello's and listening to me talk from a distance at company get togethers.  Thank you, that is all!

Monday, July 19, 2004

I have excellent news for the world!

There is no such thing as trip hop!  I also have to tell you about my amazing weekend!  Right on, let's go!  Well it wasn't actually great.  I was however able to drink mass quantities of LQ on Saturday and the better halves company picnic.  Yes I know, I should be more gracious and subtle and not hover over the kegs like angry bear!  What's the fun in that?  I honestly drank more than I should have and that was mostly due to the fact that the fucking picnic sucked and I don't know these people!  You know when you go somewhere with someone and they have to like do shit and can't actually participate in the get-together, well that was the deal for me lady!  She had to do her thing and that left me...naked...alone and drinking!  Unfortunately the naked and alone thing really did happen, but that was much farther along in the evening.  Anyways, the beer was good and I drank it!  I was forced to mingle, so I mingled and the people were enchanted!  I must say I put on a damn fine show!  I left them in stitches!  The sad thing is I worked the magic a little to well.  We were invited out to the after parties because they loved my monkey!  I told them hey, I can't be giving away my presence like a cheap six-pack of Pabst!  I have to conserve the goodness people, so I am sorry but I am going to have to pass on the keggers till dawn.  I have an image as a lone wolf to uphold!  So we bid them goodnight and I went and passed out fully clothed in the guest bedroom!  Which brings me back to the naked and alone in the hell did I get outside on the porch and who undressed me?  Well that is up the cops as for me I will pay my fine and do it all again next weekend!


Yes, the Nuggets are getting some solid reviews for their free agent moves.  Here are two articles from ESPN and The Sporting News announcing the new kings of the Western Conference!


Arnold hates gays!  Well not really, but if you are a simple minded left winger with nothing better to do then hop on the PC bandwagon and let's go get us some Austrian ass!

It's done

Well the kid is moving on so what the hell I guess I'll start posting again since I finally have nothing better to do.  Well here is a bright note...the Nuggets are going to rip next year!  I can't wait until we play the Timberwolves and Kenyon Martin beats the hell out of Sam Cassels alien head.  Damn that dude is ugly...I mean basically his shit is scary!  So I am very excited for the up coming season.  I hate this lag time between basketball and football; the only thing to watch is baseball.  Baseball is fun only when you are drinking and eating junk food.  Otherwise you will fall asleep (unfortunately I don’t mean this literally) and wake up sad and out of wack because you just wasted 3 hours watching one sucky team play another sucky team.  I prefer watching summer league basketball to watching baseball. That is just me so back off bitches if you don't agree.  The upcoming months should be decent with the return of football in August and September and then finally b-ball in late October early November. 

Milli Vanilli Song Running Thru My Head....

I'm in love girl...just in love girl.
And boy oh boy am I EVER.  32 inches of pure entertainment.  Stereo sound.  My new television.  So swaa-eeet!

Friday, July 16, 2004

To see I-Robot, or not to see I-Robot

Can I stand a Will Smith movie?  How long will it be before my hands are over my eyes and I'm thinking - why did I do this?  I mean, it looks like an interesting premise.  But, then there's Will Smith.  I hate it when Will gets jiggy wit it.  He's such a cheeseball, and so, so *yawn* - that is what he is.  His son Trey has lame-ass rhymes.  His wife is just as obnoxious.  He's the Fresh Prince.  Yo holmes:  smell ya lata!

Martha gets Five Months

Fair I'd say.  What, like sending her to the gallows would be better?  She was found guilty and will now pay her debt to society.  I like Martha.  I like her show.  It's interesting. 
But the question remains:  how will Martha be in the joint?  Will she pickup bad habits?  Her shanks (is this the correct lingo?), will be something to behold, shiny and perfect, with wrapped handles matching their uniforms.  Who are we kidding?  Martha will have a stable of bitches ready to throw down at the slightest provocation, get her food, clean her clothes and ride the Martha wave each and every night.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

I-70 Girder Collapse

Nice to see the dispatcher is BACK ON THE JOB. Just like I said she would be. Not in the communications department, but somewhere else. Because employees that blatently fail on the job, that are incapable of listening clearly and passing along the message are in short demand!

Ok, so a cop that kills a kid lunging at him with a knife is fired. But a dispatcher that mistakes "girder bowing on I-70" with "crooked sign" thereby condemning a family of 3 to a grisly death gets transferred. Hmm, it's like my Pappy always said: Life ain't fair JacksOne, deal with it."

Ashlee Simpson

Yes. I watched the show. I got a pretty laugh at the lame attempt of Jessica to rawk out to her sister's "pop" song. Gag me already. Ashlee likes to look like a boy. She also likes to fuck boys, that ain't no virgin, let me tell you. She also thinks it's sweet when the boy-toy brings CARNATIONS and DAISIES. Huh?? Carnations are for lame-brains. It looked like he went and gathered up all the week-old bouqets at King Soopers. How thoughtful! And she gets it because she's a "rock star", because she sings "peesus aaawwwfff maaaaeee".

That song sucks so hard, I can't even describe it. Okay, so maybe it's OK to like the song and hate the singer, as it's okay to hate the game but not the playa. Case in point: I myself like at least 3 Britney Spears song while hating her plastic, curvaceous slutty ass.

Oh hate, hate is such a STRONG word.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Check it out!

My new blog. By me. Of me. For me. And you, of course, the fans.


Wednesday, July 14, 2004

How I love those christians

Especially the lazy one here in my office. The one that comes up to my desk right at the MOMENT I return with my delicious Carl's Jr. low-carb burger. He's got one of my files in his hands and says: I really need a copy of the statement. Uh, ok - OOOOHHH, so I see what you REALLY mean is: I really need YOU to copy this statement for me. Even though I am 1.on lunch and #2. we are both 3 feet away from the COPIER. Come on you lazzzy ass! What gives? Your fingers broke? You never seen a big, fancy copier? No, you're just lazy. This is the guy that won't EVER make the coffee, doesn't put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, just leaves them in the sink for the receptionist to get when she leaves for the day. This is that guy - where upon me giving him the copies, he's sitting at his desk eating his lunch and says: oh, I didn't mean to interrupt your lunch - sorry! Whatever Jesus Freak, w-w-whatevah!

But he's a good christian you know, oh yes, he's always praying for one thing or another. Puhleeze.

I hate Ashlee Simpson

I hate her! I can't stand her! But I have to WATCH THE STOOPID SHOW. But look, America has always welcomed dumb-ass "celebrities" with open arms. You know what I wish? I wish they'd put on the big variety type shows again. I remember one I loved when I was young had one guy and two asian girls and boy was it ever great!

Ahh, look, seems like SIMM17 has granted us with his wonderful presence, how sweet, how quaint. Look the obscenities fly! All over this godsforsaken town.

As a side note: I LOVE Carls' Jr. Delicious! Good fries! So yummy!! I might to have it again for lunch today.

I've got a great new name for my dating blog!

Craptacular Denver Dating, because dating here is spectacularly crappy. Oh yes it is!!

Oh those Denver cops are at it again!

Ok, what happened seems very messed up at first glance: why the cops went through the window, the delay in actually going into the house, etc. Let the investigation happen. Oh, and I love how the news is now dropping the "activists want an investigation as to why these things always seem to happen in minority neigborhoods" why, that would be because MORE CRIME happens in those places.

Case in point: Ye Olde Highlands neighborhood. When I moved there in 1991 a fun pastime was sitting on the porch at midnight and later to watch the cops pull over all the drunk drivers leaving the low-rent bars on 32nd and Lowell. Other times I was awoken by the screaming boyfriend/girlfriend drunken fights at 2am. Or all the wonderful tagging that used to take place. Or cars jumping the curb, the driver then stumbling drunk down the sidewalk or the street. I used to call the cops ALL THE TIME. Because the neighborhood was shabby, the rents were cheap and there was a lot of riff-raff around.

Nowadays the riff-raff is still there, but they're cloaked in their best Columbia gear, able to keep their passats/audi/range rovers at a good speed and in the lane, plus they're willing to drop big bucks the high-class bars on 32nd & Lowell, therefore: very little problemos. Slim to none.

So you see, that's why there is more police presence in low-income neighborhoods, there is more crime. That being said, the cop involved will lose his job and the family will get a big, fat check from Denver.

Trying to branch out huh?

Yes it is true my sis is trying to go out on her own because, "I don't post enough!" Whatever, you see the man has been holding me down and keeping me out for the past couple of months. The man closed Colorado Cafe and that umm other place that was behind it and the man was fucking with my general well being! Yet I took da man down! Fuck da man! That is what I say and do...well not literally you stupid bitches, so men don't get to excited! I am going to post again about nothingness and there is nothing you can do about it! First off............well let me think for a bit, I'll get back to you on that one.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

I live in North Denver

I live my Sloans Lake. I wonder what is being built on the land of the old A&W. Where were the protests to save A&W? Where am I supposed to get my frothy refreshments now? Especially being single, where oh where?

Are there any single men in North Denver? That own their home and don't have a Stop Wal-mart sign in their front yard? That aren't obsessed with their doggies? That actually clean up after said dog when out walking? I see lots of guys running, walking, riding by my house, lots more eating delicious shizzle down on 32nd and Lowell - and I wonder. I wa-wa-wa-wa-wonder.

The art of meeting someone is a delicate one indeed. I'm going to get a new job, work downtown, oggle the boys during lunch.

I'm still going to start that new blog!

As soon as the fantazmagoric new name is thunk up and put down keyboard to screen to you. Then you all will be able to walk down the online dating path with me, and experience all I have experienced and really, really learn so much. And once again, your life will improve drastically, and then you'll be like: gosh darn it I want to online date! Because I've got all the tools! And now I've heard all the stories! And you'll be armed with your special 50-point personality/attraction/IQ/What-kind-of-dog-am-I data enabling you to go on endless, fruitless dates. But hey, it's better than staying home on the weekend. Well. Sometimes it's better.

452 Posts

That's what I give you people, yes you. And still, you don't phone, you don't don't comment. But such is life. So I was trolling some personal ads on Nerve, the ladies, because I like to see what I'm up against...and there was the "angrylefty" who kids herself into thinking she is some sort of minority because she regularly listens to NPR and Bill Moyer. Yeah right. Oh, poor you, surrounded by those dumb red-neck conservatives - oh the pain! The misery! Lady - I know where you're coming from, as being a conservative monkey in most matters, I am often up against the boring-close-minded angry leftie, or the boring-close-minded angry rightie and it's gets pretty old. It's like my friend said: JacksOne, you will never meet a cool republican guy, never - so just quit hoping. I have, oh believe me I have. Not only have I given up on meeting a cool republican male monkey (that is single, cute, funny, smart, likes good music, eats meat, is cuddly and smells good) I've completely given up on the entire NOTION that I will EVER have a male Mnky to call my very own. Right or Left. Got it???

Monday, July 12, 2004

I'm starting a New! Blog!

To counter-effect the notion that Denver is "number one for singles" yeah-right. So's, I'm trying to think up a name, got to be good, grab the readers attention, for that I will turn to one monkey-friend who is A+ at coming up with catchy slogans and sayings. Then: I begin the online dating chronicles, because I feel it's really needed. Are the things I go through normal? Hmm? These are questions that keep this monkey up at night. Should I have Monkey in the title? After all, we're all monkeys. And hopefully, this new blog will enable more and more monkeys to be fucked, and fucked enthusiastically with a lot of feeling. So There. And yes, it will be full of cuss-words and dirty things, I will get the man-monkey-view of online dating, and believe you me, it's a pretty one. As opposed to the woman-monkey-view, which I guess it's all in how you perceive things to be. What the hell do I know? Not a goddamn thing.

Friday, July 09, 2004


Just got this rawkin CD from Argentina, of argentinian metal bands doing Kyuss covers. It's damn good, very unusual, but very good. Gives you a whole different view of the songs, that is for sure. However, it reaffirms my belief that Josh Homme is a RAWK GOD, the flame-haird Sun for which all other bands revolve. How can you NOT love the man?? How???

So today is Friday

I guess that's a pretty good thing, better than a Monday, not as good as a Saturday. I am assuming my brother will never post again, not once, not ever. For that, I'm pretty sad. This blog was such a great thing, and now it's just me going on about my boring life and even more boring LOVE LIFE. What love life is that? I don't know about all this political stuff, I'm so over it, really I am. I don't want to hear one more ad or one more blurb or one more photo shoot. I've made up my mind already. Guess who?

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Marlon Brando

I would be remiss not to say a few words about one of my most favorite actors...Mr. Brando. Mr. Brando, it was you that had my heart in junior and high school, I avidly read all biographies, watched all your movies and swooned, oh yes I did! What a gorgeous man, with that big head, like a lion. A smart-ass too. Great combination I think! Why I remember, a couple of years ago, Connie Chung interviewing him, and his total control over it all. One minute flirty, then coy, then condescending, then angry, then funny, then sexy...playing with Connie, like a cat with a mouse, batting her here, batting here there, all the while she giggles and blinks hard....she loved it, every damn minute of it, she was totally hot for Marlon, I could tell. And who wouldn't be? Even at the end, his little 100 pound filipino maid straining to push his wheelchair, he was still MARLON BRANDO.

Reminds me of my favorite Brando story. Upon arriving in Hollywood the studio mucky-mucks said: Marlon, you need anything? You need anything at all, you just let us know. And Marlon said: Can you get my monkey fucked?

Yes Marlon, here on Super Intelligent Mystery Monkeys we CAN get your monkey fucked.