You ever just feel like....life sucks?

Because that's what this monkey is feeling today. Even the eye doctor can't pull me out of my pit of self-pity. I feel so sorry for myself! I need a government handout. I need a social program. I need someone sensitive to my sensitivities. I need someone to care about MY root causes! Sometimes being a self-sufficient monkey is hard, really hard. No amount of banana's or tree swinging is going to help. Guess I'll go listen to QOTSA and smoke some dope. Oh yes I will!

DISCLAIMER: THIS MONKEY IS A CLEAN TEEN.

Why I Hate STYXX

There are so many reasons, they bring back memories of being young and living in the mountains, which are NOT bad memories, only the songs are. Of listening to a tape over and over and over. Or, my latest memory of STYXX, took place about 4 years ago, while on hold for a Qwest DSL problem (which, you can imagine, took about 3 hours of being on hold to fix), and STYXX greatest hits was playing....over.....and.....over.....and......over. The repair guy would actually apologized to me - he hated Styxx too, and he should, by the time I hung up my ears were bleeding, and I've never been the same.

Phil "Fucking" Keating - AGAIN

So's, Monday I was using the olde treadmill, and since I'm into multi-tasking, I like to listen to my headphones whilst watching the boob tube. I'm getting into the groove, watching FOX News, when who should pop up, on his very FIRST assignment? Phil Fucking Keating, that's who!

I - can't - escape - him! I can't! It's like I've got some messed up connection with him! Please - make it stop! I never watch the news EVER, especially national news programs, and the ONE TIME I DO, my eyes burn, tearing up from the sheer HORROR of what I see! Phil. Fucking. Keating. Blech.

Am I being communicational?

Because it's one of my bestest abilitys. Being communicational. And once before I was a curtesy clerk at some super market.

Yea, more resumes today.

Ever heard of the "olde swing wide sweet chariot" move?

Yea, it's where you're driving along a two-lane city street, along one side there is room for cars to park. You're driving (take it REAL SLOW over the bump now), picking up speed, then - up ahead! What is it? It's a car! A car parked on the side of the road! A little car! So, what is the next move for you in your little, tiny VW jetta? YOU SWING WIDE - left, swing way wide, wide enough so you're in the other lane! Wide enough so the side view mirror (which sticks FOUR FEET off your passenger side) won't hit the parked cars side mirror (another 4 feet at least), which means you're absolutely right in taking that 8 foot swing out.

This post is for my homme - TAW

I saw the DREAMIEST GUY today, all dark and sexy, with his big indian nose, wearing a soccer shirt. You know what I'm saying. Oh yes, he's probably a daddy, or at the very least married, he could be gay, but that would leave him open for you and we know that NEVER HAPPENS. Therefore he is what most are: unattainable, but lovely to look at and better to hold (we bet).

Resume Tips

Let me start by saying: this monkey is SICK & TIRED of reading resumes, yes I am. And still, still there is a PILE TO PLOW THROUGH. Here are some tips for those job seeking:

Change your email address to something more professional than jenilovegirl or sexymamma69. Yes indeed, those types of addresses say: stupid slut.

Check your spelling, check your spelling, check your spelling. Pleace.

Don't use some stupid flowery font rendering your resume unreadable.

Hmm, let's see, you've had 6 jobs this past year? Try keeping a job first.

Don't open with your career objective as: a company that knows how to treat their employess like humans. I smell bad attitude.

More to follow.

The Homeless! The Homeless!

I was listening to Peter Boyles this morning (something I rarely do nowadays since it's mostly Bush bashing) and Peter was upset because of some cry-baby story in the RMN about the homeless, which failed to mention that upwards of 70% of homeless people had drug or alchohol problems - just a few! Because, you see, you HAVE TO BE DRUNK OR DRUGGED to live that way, it's WHY THEY LIVE THE WAY THEY DO. And for me, I don't want to provide a tent city so you can go get wasted in semi-comfort. Homeless people for the most part, piss me off, pathetic dried-out crack ho's standing with a sign "help me feed my babys". Let me relay a little story, I was with JacksTwo, and we were stopped at a red-light and saw a drunken young homeless guy, wobbly on his legs, holding a sign that read: homless, plese help", unfortunately he was holding the sign upside down, that's when JacksTwo commented: ya see, no attention to detail.

Get clean, get a job, get a life. Like most of us tools do. Like life is a barrel of laughs everyday or something.

9. . . . . . . . . . Who cares?

You know who I'm talking to.

This guy gives me a headache, he shall remain anonymous. And yes, I have HUMMER - right here Baby!

I dig sports o.k. like, but they've become the opiate of the masses. I'm more in to music art & politics. Yeah, I’ve watched a couple of the Avs & Nugs playoff games, but they’re not high on my priority list. If nothing else is going on I’ll watch. I don't want to be self-righteous about TV, but when I saw that you've never seen Friends I was sure I had a soul mate. As the man said, “TV is medium that’s rarely well-done.” If I had cable - I’d watch it, and there are too many other things to do instead of TV. I watch enough the way it is. NetFilx is my friend and I go to movies a lot. I like Galaga when I’m out, but I don't play video games at home. I dig action rather than watching others act.

I just bought a new bike, a Trek1200 road bike that is very light & fast. Did you really just buy a Hummer? I prefer a hybrid Honda than a big truck for obvious reasons.

Yes, curry, & painting are very good, but we can’t forget sushi. I like great red wine and jazz as much as I like to ski and bike - I’ve been told I’m a renaissance man. I honestly strike the balance between being a rootsy, bohemian, mountain-jock & an educated urban sophisticate. I’m down-home laid-back while still knowing the best wine and music for the occasion. I dress-up real nice.

---JacksOne: By the time I got here, my natural gag reflex was a kicking in. This guy is a STUFFED SHIRT and I don't care how you try to hide it with your liberal sensitivity, he's as hardcore boring as any "right-wing religious nut case asshole in the heartland." Oh yes you are! And about 10 times as closed minded. Electrical hybrid car? Outta my way GIRLIE MAN.

Hello our Beautiful Fans - Did you miss Us/Me?

I didn't think so. Oh, phew! Many adventures, this monkey is tired - tired - tired. Hey, I got something funny for yous guys. Please remember, it's snowing outside - this can mean only one thing:

YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!! DIE ON THE ROAD!! FOR GODSAKES SLOW DOWN! AAAHHHHH!!!!

Uh, yes, That is why the tool in front of you is creeping along at 25mph

Nearly two weeks and NO EYE DOCTOR POST

Remiss! Me! I bumped into Dr. P exiting the restroom area as he was entering, what a precious smile I received along with a friendly "hello". He's such a tiny little dish! Y'know, I've never been attracted to short guys, and most guys are shorter than me and I'm only 5'8. But now, now I realize there was a huge segment of cute I was ignoring. How wrong is that? Very wrong! So, listen up all you little monkies (5'8 and shorter) I am no longer rejecting based on height - cuteness at any size is a-ok with me. ESPECIALLY if you've got the hard little eye doctor body. So delish.

O Kevin Spacey, this Monkey knows WHAT's UP

4am in a London park, his dog had "to go", how dare you imply otherwise? And, of course his penis had to go too, who knows where. So, anyways, Kevin falls for some "sob story" and lends his phone to some guy who then takes off and Kevin trips over his dog/pants trying to catch the thief! Stop thief!

Ain't nobody walk their doggie at 4am, well hardly nobody, and mostly if you are, it's for nefarious purposes! Like penis sucking! Right on!

Kevin Spacey got his blowjob, then got his stuff stolen. What price Penis Sucking? What price?

The latest diatribe from SIMM17, smuggled out...

from the Boulder County Recreational Rehab Facility for the Criminally Negligent Non-touchy Feely (BCRRFCNNF). DON'T ask how....

Round One....FIGHT!

Well Round one of ummm round one of the NBA Playoffs is over. The Nuggets lost but I feel good! Why you ask? Well why should I tell you? Ok I'll tell you, because the Nuggets basically lost the game by 9 points and that margin was created in the first quarter. The Nuggets started off well but you could see the jitters and once Carmelo got his second ticky-tack foul and had to sit midway through the first you could see the team collapse. They recovered and made it a game getting but were unable to get any closer than 5 points. The second reason I feel good is that again the Nuggets basically lost by 9 ( I'm not counting the tack on points in the last 2 mins) and Sam-I Look like and Alien-Cassell actually played like he was from another planet. If that ugly mofo doesn't have the game of his life, the Nuggets win. He averages 19 points a game and scored 40 something in game one. I have said time and time again that Kevin Garnett can have his points, the Nuggs just have to hold Sprewell and Cassell to their basic games and if that is done the Nuggets will win. That being said I don't think Cassell can duplicate that performance in game two therefore I look for the game to be more competitive and I think the Nuggets will win. If we get a split in Minnesota then we will have a big chance to win the series! Oh and good job to the Avs they had a big win on Saturday and moved on to the second round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Well I have to go, the fucks are telling me that I have a puppy love sensitivity training to attend. Laterz!

"Stop Elitch Walmart"

A little too late for that no? YES! So all you yuppies/puppies/guppies/assholes get prepared, for....

Wal-Falfa's

Yeah, and you are ALL gonna shop there, don't deny it! They'll build it to suit your snooty (not! really!) tastes, so lots of imported cheeses and olives, delicious bread type things, exotic rotting fruit (all natural!) over priced beef and chicken and pork. Fancy tomato sauces and olive oil, and all the over-priced food stuffs you love to buy. You! LOVE! IT! bitches and don't deny.

Only choice now is to GET WITH THE PROGRAM and work with Wal-Mart to make sure this new hybrid is a success and keeps your property values high and yada-yada-yada.

This ain't no allegation, it's a FACT

Kathy Sabine has the worst weather reports EVER. You see, she thinks she's doing weather on the Today show, that's why all the bullshit, over and over and over, "today in Boston..." or "Dallas will experience". She will NEVER say exactly what sorta day WE as DENVERITES will experience, she dilly-dallies all over the weather board, oh look a weather disturbance in Utah - yeah so? So what? Will it affect us? THEN WHY BOTHER KATHY? NO BODY CARES.

I have some sad, sad Monkey news

I have been forced, yes FORCED to place SIMM17 on leave due to allegations he hurt the feelings of several female CU students, causing irreparable harm and making them feel all like, sad and stuff.

Until further notice, said Monkey has been banned from this site. Here in the land of the Monkey, we treat all allegations as fact.

Here's to the CU 1-800 tipline, it's working already!

Uh-oh, Looks like something offensive is going down at Auraria

What was funny was it was all these liberal little hippie-types, all up in arms - gonna get the RULES changed to ban your freedom of expression, because it "offends" us, because it's "graphic". What is it? Just some lame-ass pro-lifers with huge, gory pictures of aborted fetuses. LOOK HERE, either you are FOR freedom of speech or you are AGAINST it. You don't like it? Don't look, don't stop, keep moving. I am pro-choice, yet I understand that abortion kills babies, I don't have some sterile, feminist view of abortion. I don't agree with those pro-lifers, the pictures won't change my mind, but shutting them down because you deem it offensive to your liberal sensitivities is UN-AMERICAN.

Now, let's say you'd like to present your painting, publicly, of the Virgin Mary in a bikini (all done on your computer - of course), well if you're offended, it's because you're SQUARE.

Speaking of being Full Of IT...

Sure - go for it. I like the reversed split kiwi anecdote, brown and
furry on the outside, nice and moist and juicy on the inside, man I am
drooling just thinking about swirling my tongue around that juicy fruit
and licking up as much of that nectar as I can! I wonder what prompted
those New Zealanders to make that fruit the way that they did? I don't
think I could resist thrusting my face into Tyra banks' kiwi like the
proverbial fat kid and the pie eating contest at the county fair! Might
need a Q Tip to clean out my ears afterwards tho'. I could dive on that
lil keewtchie kew like Oprah on a buffet table! WOW - I just realized
that Oprah and Orca are only differentiated by one letter, especially if
you spell like I do. I guess now would be a good time to make the
arrangements for the trip to Pueblo for the state fair, huh? Further
pondering makes me wonder if Oprah named her magazine "O" after the
ever evasive orgasm that she has been reaching for all of these years.
Why does thinking of Oprah the Orca and her trying to have an orgasm
remind of the movie, "Kingpin"??? Slurp, slurp, hurl, hurl.

This AlphaM is ALL talk, but it's music to my Ears...

(The Nuggets) They are doing well, pretty cool, also cool that the only sports team that sucks in the state is the Broncos! Gotta love it.
(Nuggets Game) So those celebs were all yearing for your seat eh? Did you spot Lionel sporting a woodie while slobbering and staring at your arse? (Avril!) that punk chick is doing her best to look hard but I'd bet my bottom dollar that when I would slip her something that is truly hard she would split
open and melt just like, well you know the rest. But while we are on
the subject, I wouldn't mind steeping her lovely little briefs in some
hot water and sipping on the resulting broth like an exotic tea!
Thinking of which if you haven't done the tour up at Celestial
Seasonings, you should do it, it is so refreshing!

Are my posts boring?

Are you, my gentle readers, feeling bored? Well...sorry. But I AM BORING, I bore myself, quite a bit lately in fact. I'm bored with life, bored with my everyday whatever, bored with books and music and movies and tv and people. In general. It's like I got the winter doldrums in the spring. I barely notice flowers blooming or trees budding or anything. I've got to get out of this rut. I've got a strong melancholy streak that is TAKING OVER. MUST...FIGHT...IT. Well, I will say I'm UP UP UP on the Nuggs. Go Nuggs!

Oh Avril!

Did I spell your name wrong? Please forgive me! Did I hear you're giving a free concert at Southwest Plaza today? Oh joy! I hate this little bitch, talk about worthless music, packaged up and disinfected for all you tools out there that think this shee-ut is good stuff. It ain't. I'm just giving it to you straight. She's no better than Britney, and at least you can dance to Britney's music. Southwest Plaza, gotta love the old girl, surprised she's still standing, what with Cinderella City and Villa Italia already fallen under the eeevvveeelll hands of corporate development. Yes, so in 20 years time "Bow-Mar Commons (nee Villa Italia) will once again face the wrecking ball under the guise of revitalization. That is this mortal coil we call life/development.

The Eye Doctor

He is a little dish, tiny and hard-bodied with big, tan gentle hands. He's a good doctor too, why I felt 110% when I walked out of his office. What a man! Pretty green eyes. And so tiny! I love it! So yes, he will still be oggled.

My Neighborhood loses character EVERY DAY

Because upper-middle-class-assholes know one thing: familiarity. So they like their little chi-chi baby clothes store (got it!), their little chi-chi NEW mexican restaurants (got it!), their little chi-chi accessory store (got it!). You know what left? A really cool mexican deli, a furniture store, a liquor store and some other Mom and Pop places. I'm surprised Pizza Alley has lasted this long, they're not very PC either, but boy are those pies yummy. As opposed to most of the pies in my neighborhood, which are boring, angry, married white women.

More on Wal-Mart

After some investigation, I found that the Wal-Mart wouldn't be a "super center" but rather the first-of-its-kind "neighborhood market", what would be really quaint is if they could actually rebuild the little grocery store that was shut down on 32nd so they could build a stupid fucking bar/hair salon/yoga studio. Oh yeah, where were you all then? Hmmm? The corner grocery was great, small and cool, THAT had a lot of character, as opposed to some dumbass bar for all the boring granola/yuppies that swarm in on weekends. And they let you bring your stupid doggies into the bar. Gag me with a spoon, go ahead, do it right now.

Date This Evening

So, here's the scoop. We're going to meet up at a pretty cool restaurant. He SEEMS a lot like the type I like: into music, creative, up-to-date on world issues, smartass, smart and funny.

So, here's the prediction: We'll never see eachother again after tonight.

Que sera sera, you just gotta get back in the saddle and keep on keeping on.

How Much Do I Love Eagles of Death Metal?

So much! They rock hard and fast. Recorded the Conan show appearance and yowzer it's so good. Josh, Josh on drums, again showing his red-haired multi-talent. He's looking a little thick around the middle - but so what? I would never, ever mention it. I would rub that buddha-beer belly with TLC, and wishing for lotsa luck. Oh Josh, when oh when will you be mine? Everyone should go out and get the CD, you can order it off of Amazon for godsakes, what's the hold up.

Open letter to Kathy Sabine....

WTF? Kathy, do you really think I care what the weather will be like in Dallas today? No, I don't. I don't care what's brewing in the East Coast weather wise either. In fact, this is what I want from you:
This is your forecast for today= rain will start around 9:30 am, and continue for most of the day, around 9pm, it will turn into a mixture of rain and snow, with accumulations of around 3 inches by morning.

The! End!

I saw the Sweetest Thing Today...A couple

Hand-in-hand, strolling into Blockbuster Video. Now, on a day like today, what better way to pass the time away than watching a good movie? This monkey can't remember the last time I popped a movie into the old VCR, not counting pornos of course.

Why I Hate Wal-Mart, or: Not in My Backyard

Yes, so there might be a Walmart built in my neighborhood, smack dab where the old Elitch's used to stand. I am opposed to this. Reason #1: like I want a Walmart in my backyard, everyone knows Walmart's are WHITE TRASH, trashy period, and they attract trashy folks, for the most part. Reason #2: like hell it won't affect my property value, I work every damn day (weekends off) to pay for my palatial mansion, this might affect my ability to hire hottie gardeners, like what if they say: JacksOne, your house is now worth $70,000 - oh the agony!

There are the reasons. I don't give a damn about Walmart's labor practices, nobody is forcing anyone to work at Walmart. If you can't/won't find a better job, sorry for you but what can I do? Walmart is like McDonald's - it ain't a career if you're working the register and you shouldn't look at it as such.

So, all the white folks/yuppies/tools in my neighborhood are all up in arms about it, their main focus being the labor practices. What a joke! Admit what it is about - bringing down property values and trashy people. PERIOD. And no, I won't be out protesting this weekend. Give me a break already.

My post on Fallujah

There will be deaths on our side, but many more on theirs. I do not believe this is the beginning of a civil war. I predict within two weeks times things will have calmed down. And, to borrow a line from EODM: we're about to lay destruction on you. War is hell and bad things happen. End of story.

Guys, I don't know how you Do It

IT being put up with women. Ugh. They piss me off. They suck. "and not in a good way." There.

You know what I hate?

Well, too many things to list right now, so we'll focus on one: Bitches in Bugs. The new ones, soo cute dontchaknow. And lookie, a little FLOWER on the dash, isn't that soo cute? And lookie here, I've got POLKA DOTS on mine! Ahhh, that is sooo cute! And watch me! I can't drive! Uh-uh I really can't! Isn't that sooo cute? I'm confused! What's a "four-way stop" anyways? Well, it means that you park your ASS at the sign until the all the other cars go, every single one, I don't care if there's a line of cars 5 deep at one sign - you don't "get it" so stay put till all the other big-scary cars go and you're left all alone. There there stupid one, all is okay.

My Hair Looks SO GOOD Today

Yes Monkies, it's true, today is a Good Hair Day. Full and bouncy and ALIVE with promise, that's what good hair can do. Try it!

The EYE DOCTOR (*sigh*) just got in...

Looking so fine today in his tight WHITE tshirt. Yummy!

Conan: Tomorrow Night: Eagles of Death Metal

Kiddies, don't miss it, I beg you.

Handicap plates = Fat & Lazy? Just a Theory

And not mine, I'll have you know. It's one of my friends, he claims 80% of all handicap plates go to people who are simply: Fat and Lazy. And can't drive, might I add? You know you're in trouble behind a handicap plate, but wait, let's cut them some slack, it's really hard to drive with your lobster claw hand and stubs for legs. Ahyeah - now we're doing the handicap jokes! Right on! PC'ers be DAMNED.

Don't You Mean: MTV "Choose This Loser" special?

MTV is good for one thing, and one thing only: getting your hate AWN. I mean it. Gideon is a smidgeon cute, just a teensy bit. However, that doesn't negate the fact he is a loser. And Suchkin Pak suckee his dickee. Ahhhyea, now we start with the ethnic jokes! But NO MONKEY JOKES ALLOWED. In the Land of Monkies the Monkey Shall Be King = ME.

Federalo Expresso

Has a cute new guy, very cute....but VERY GAY. Such is life. FOUR DAYS AND COUNTING TILL MY EYE APPOINTMENT, and in all seriousness, I'm a little worried I might find out I'm going BLIND. Then who will oggle all the boys? Who? Who???

If I Have to Hear Anymore CU Bullshit....

Look, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of rape allegations being thrown around. Because that is what they are, allegations, and if there was enough evidence of a rape or sexual assault, there would be prosecution. I'm sick of hearing it, I'm sick of the stupid protests against sexual assault (as if there are people FOR sexual assault), yeah, women showing "their strength." I'm sick of stupid girls not being able to draw the line, or set boundaries, or say NO. Women strip themselves of power, they become hunks of meat just sitting there, waiting to be assaulted. Give me a break already. There has never been a time in my life EVER when I've been taken advantage of by a male EVER, because I DRAW THE LINE, and have the ability to make them feel like the little twerps they are. MONKEY POWER - learn it ladies

Country Music ONLY this Week

Why? Because I feel like it. So, this morning: Marty Robbins. Can you ever go wrong with Marty Robbins? That smooth voice, those great lyrics. You cannot. A little Faron Young, with some Tift Merritt thrown in. It just feel RIGHT.

What a Weekend!

Filled with....headaches. For this Monkey. The one headache you can't get escape from. Too bad. Must of been the weather. Thank goodness it's Daylight Savings Time, I need to save Daylight. My condolences to SIMMS17 who saw his Blue Devils go DOWN DOWN DOWN to defeat Saturday. So sorry. Go Georgia Tech! (I think it's Georgia Tech, it's Georgia somethingorother)

Where Is The Love?

Come on, gimme some love People. Everyone loves a monkey. A some love spanking the monkey. Just some comic relief with all the political fist2cuffs ahappening.

Two Days of Caffeine = ADDICTION

This monkey is run-down and tired today -but why? I slept well, I didn't feel tired when I awoke, didn't exert myself physically - why is this? Then I realized - over the past two days I have partook in caffeine: 3 cups of coffee and TWO cokes; on the 3rd: I am now ADDICTED. I have a bad headache too, and no amount of water is helping. I'm shaking my fist at the caffeine Gods, this WILL NOT stand, oh no, the monkey off the monkey back commences NOW. I have certain addictions, we'll not go thru them now, and I don't need another. Anyway, I scoff at those that say they need their daily coffee - scoff! Back to my drink of choice: water in the morning, water in the evening, water at supper time. Anyways, you gots to admit Denver water has a delish flavor you just cain't find nowhere elses.

I don't like Granola Girls because....

They're bringing down women, they're too low-matinence, which means if you're the type of chick that likes to do your hair and nails, your clothes match, your boots kick serious ass, you like nice things - then you are too HIGH matinence, which can't be good - right? Which means you may expect the GUY to start cleaning up, to wear something other than blue jeans and old sneakers, to get his hair cut, look clean and smell good. Granola chicks suck, and not in a good way. They're a midwest creation, born and bred right in the heartland, jumping on their mountain bikes and spreading like a cancer across the land. In the end, all girls will be frumps.

Hippie vs. Granola

Hippie chicks: the stupid sway-dance, the shawls around the hips, long skirts, bad jewelry, hairy legs, a style to be sure, even if it's lame. Granola chicks: no rhythm, grungy Columbia jackets, blue jeans, bad jewelry, no style AT ALL, none, totally boring and way too natural. Granola girls wear ugly old birkinstocks, granola girls don't know how to dress up, it always looks wrong, pantyhouse with open-toed sandels, gunny-sack dresses, flyaway long hair.

I want to EAT OUT TONIGHT

But alas, I cannot, as I NEVER EVER dine by myself in restaurants and/or fast food joints. Oh no, won't catch me doing the solo thing. I'd rather take it home and read and eat from the comfort of my couch. So you know what? Looks like it's Mickey D's for this monkey tonight.