I hate Rocky DiSpirto with a Red Hot Passion

What a pompous little prick. Signing his book before casting his weak-kneed glance all around then pulling a crumpled up review from his back pocket and firing this guy. He's such an asshole, it's almost unbelievable. Will this affect his popularity AT ALL? It should. Listen, he's not that cute, he looks greasy most of the time, and he dresses way too trendy, he's gross and demeaning to women, yuck, and these women just lap it up, I guess it's true your ego would be pretty big were you Rocky Balboa-DiSiprto, if his right hand doesn't getcha then the left one will, you got a faithful wife, you can cook, you're going bald but you cover it up pretty well, you're eye of the tiger.... He's a real idiot. I don't understand, please let this show wreck his career. But who am I kidding? He'll only get bigger.

My UKB, some HotShot....

He's "besotted" with me, can you believe it?? Isn't that the best? To be the object of besotted-ness? It feels totally great and I love it so much. This could get very, very interesting.

I just can't quit gushing about the UKB

And not in a "gushing orgasm" sort of way, but rather in a chirpy, thousand-words-a-minute gushy-girlie way. He went on a TWENTY MILE WALK yesterday, whatta guy! And can you IMAGINE those thighs? I know I can! It's great when one can objectify the male across the ocean! What a small and wonderful world we live in! Fortunately for us, we are free-minded products of Western Civilazation, which means we can like one another, we can go out and have drinks, we can hold hands, we can kiss, we can even make love (you dig) without threats of, oh, mutilation, the acid-in-face thing, the brother-killing-sister thing, the honor-killing-thing....yes that's right! It's great to be free!

Of course, he's got to get HERE to the Mile Hi City, before these good things can happen...but they will! You betcha!

So, what things shouldn't he miss in Denver? I know, CASA BONITA, but what else? What else?

Franz Ferdinand

ALL OVER MTV, so's I picked up the CD, it's damn good, they're from Scotland - and everyone knows my most favorite boyfriend is from Scotland, that'd be the UKB. Of course, my most favorite boyfriend of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE hails from Califor-knee, yes that's Josh. *sigh*

There ain't no Butter Churnin going on in Colonial Times

Why? Because they're all to busy making their 21st century STAND. I hate this show, and I don't care if they're bringing in new people, I still hate it. Bunch of publicity ho's out for their 15 minutes with nary a thought of keeping it "17th Century Real". Oh, I don't want to cover my hair, oh I don't want to attend service, oh I don't want to curb my profanity.

Listen, all you know these Monkeys here have dirty, dirty mouths. BUT, were we to agree to appear on the show you'd hear nary a cussword, unbelievable I know - but OH SO TRUE.

That being said, sure I'll tune in tonight to get my hate on.

Why Colonial House SUCKED...or wasn't very Entertaining

Listen, I want to see what it was like to live during those times...I DO NOT want to see how narcissitic modern-day aholes live during make believe Colonial times.

Commit blasphemy? You're burned at the stake. Don't attend Sabbath service? You're just asking for hellfire damnation to rain upon your sorry head.

No, instead we get the strident uber-fem, chip on the shoulder at the ready "would I martyr myself if I really lived during this time?" Uh, no, you wouldn't because you'd be too busy surviving to worry about making your stand.

Oh, then there's the guy who feels the need to announce he's gay. So what? What does this have to do with Colonial times again? Nuthin. That's why it sucks.

See what happens in Colonial times when people stop being polite and start getting real. Whatevah.

Well darn if it isn't Friday

Golly, I wish it were Monday, because then I'd have FOUR WHOLE DAYS to work my little fingers to the bone! JacksTwo said we cuss too much, which is pretty funny considering the blue streak pouring out of her mouth at times. So, this post I will have not ONE bad word! By the way...did you check out the little-nip'd boobie body of John Kerry's daughter? What a whore! T-t-t-that's all Folks!

Ummmmm.....

I'm drawing a.....blank.....this Monkey has Wednesday off, and I'm gonna brew up some Meth and sit on my porch in my wife-beater and sip my Pabst. Because that's how I break it down in NW Denver, and yes, my neighbors love me, my special Meth concoction gives them unlimited energy to trim their lawns and walk their doggies and ride their bikes without end.

I watched Colonial House

Some dishes on there, let me tell you. As they get skinnier and scruffier they'll only get, you guessed it, cuter. I also find it annoying how these modern-day women like to get all high and mighty and impose their 21st century ideals on the 17th century make-believe town. Uh bitch? Shaddup and work, that's your role, deal with it.

SIMMS17 is Turning Over A New Leaf!

And it wasn't that my post below really made him stop and think, no, it was MTV's inferno. He said as he watched the two hoochies going at it (that'd be Veronica and Katie) he realized that fighting never solves anything, ever, that's it's always wrong, not matter what, and that he has learned the errors of his bad-ass Monkey ways.

To which I say: oh who is the Pussy now SIMMS17???

Maybe, maybe it's time to turn over a new leaf

Cast aside the snide remarks, the snickers, the sarcasm. Maybe it's time to extend the hand, in friendship and love. Maybe it's time to listen, REALLY LISTEN as to why Wesley Clark nee Kerry would work for us. Maybe it's time to quit judging based on the boring factor. Maybe it's time to say - hey, taking photos with a digital camera takes just as much talent at the regular old-timey type camera shots do. Maybe it's time to admit that dammit, VW's are a good deal. Maybe it's time to say, rock climbing/hiking/biking is FUN. Maybe, just maybe I'm onto something here, a kinder, gentler Monkey, more palatable to the common Curious Stranger.....

Naaawwwww.

I've Got This Feeling and It's Deep In My Body

It makes me wiggle and it makes my rump shake I said wha? If I should touch you you might be electrocuted- deep in your body you will get your first taste I said ....

Curiously enough, I'm getting a little turned on, who is this Curious Stranger, and is he cute?

Curious Stranger: It's time to love your Monkey. You want it, you know it, admit it.

The EDGE - Grandma's edge that is - and YES BABY I can HANDLE THAT

First off, been here ten years and still a stranger? Ok. Second off, still going to Prim-ass concerts? Ok. Thirdly drive a VW STATION WAGON? Ok. Take digital pictures of slang Lake sunsets (sigh, so pretty-pretty little kitten)? Ok. That ain't havin an "Edge" guy and I'm here to set you straight. Does having the "Edge" have anything to do with RightGuard deodorant? Cause that's what it smells like.

Go whine to Wesley Clark, you're both losers.

THE END. The Monkeys Have Spoken.

I saw the GIRTHY Commercial

That fat boy wants big girthy cocks shoved down his throat, over and over and over.

Way sickening - whatever happened to MJ schilling the dogs huh? Those were the days...

Curious Stranger? I ain't curious enough to investigate further

Are going to have to throw down? Will this monkey have to wipe the ashpalt with yet another sad white boy? Or, I know, let's have a DANCE OFF, then we'll really break it down, cause if there is one thing these monkeys can do that is trip the light fantastic.

Blah! I don't want to read any shizzle from no man no how no way. SIMMS - what say you? That's the crazy monkey, the one to really watch out for.

Oh, ten years in the Highlands? Sorry Charlie, you just missed the grandfather clause. Pack up the VW and head west my boy, right behind the others.

Cuba Libre -

Cause wanton posting, disregarding any sense of meaning or coherence. But, you know, that's what makes blogging so fucking great.

Shameful Admission

I'd do every stinking member of No Doubt. Starting with the drummer. He reminds me of one perfectly beautiful little blond baby punk rocker from my high school days, all big blue eyes, rosy cheeks and nice ass. Funny things is, I still communicate with said high school dish. He's still got the mona-lisa smile that drives the chickies craazzzeee.

I don't know about Gwen though, she's pretty flat chested.

Hey Kid ----

They don't call it "Ball" park for nothing.

Chapter Whatever in the Saga of JacksOne communication with an Insane Graphic Designer with too much time of his hands, 2-2-2 much time....

JacksOne wrote: Oh, I thought you were referring to the classic Dustin Hoffman flick, with the famous dental torture scene, not to be outdone by the infamous man-on-man sexual drama played out in Iraq with all those poor whittle prisoners. Never being one to shy away from gay porn, I'm very curious to see the REAL graphic stuff, nice close ups of the entries and exits, if you catch my drift - anyways like I always say: in the Middle East man-to-man love is like an everyday magical happening - because the woman is forbidden (oooo) but the men can get in on like jack rabbits! Or camels! Allah approved! I digress.

What filming style would that be? Shaky hand-held camera style, all crazy going every which way? But loose? ANOTHER classic movie...

To which the WEGD (wild-eyed Graphic D) replied:
Nice banter! I am referring to the over sensationalized game show host, fake crowd cheers, HUGE smiles with crater sized dimples in the cheeks - speaking of cheeks isn't that where a US Soldier from Alabama tucks his rifle and his two hand granades when his sister isn't near by? Cheeks of an iraqi prisoner that is - not too surprising about the be-heading is it? What is the point of the Geneva conventions anyway, if they don't follow established protocol what are you going to do - wage war on them???

Now, some of the shizzle he says is a little like regurgiating bullet points from ABC Nightly News. HOWEVER, since he's a dish I ignore.

UKB - know what that means?

United Kingdom Boyfriend. How about UGF? Ugly Girl Friend. One in particular, the ugliest girl around with the crappiest car I've ever seen. I digress. MCR? Motley Crue Reject. I could go on but shall spare all you alls.

The Eye Doctor is such a Hottie

I hope I'm bugging all you alls! You know who I'm talking to.

The Answer? It's blowing in the Wind

So I went to the little party last night, and I say to you, my monkies: What Gives? This monkey is ANTI-SOCIAL, and I come from a long, long line of anti-social monkies, harkening back to the GWF (the Great White Father to the uninformed). The Wife must learn this, as the Husband of JacksTwo did: we're just assholes. We are. That's right - not only are we a disarmingly good-looking band of monkeys, we don't like other monkeys much, although we're always unfailingly polite. AND, we're sarcastic, AND we get laughs at the expense of others AND one another, AND we're way cool, AND we can kick serious ass AND we have kicked serious ass, you will know us by the trail of dead, which is a purty good band too.

That being said, I ended up buying a candle. But it was nice and I have a perfect place for it.

Go to Athens?

Yeah right. Mark my words: this olympics will be the lowest attenedance event EVER. There WILL BE islamist bullshit going on - count on it. Also, count on the fact that nobody will take a closer look or keep an eye on the fucking arab assholes that will be all over.

Once I wanted to go to Greece, maybe someday down the road I will, but not for a while. I'll stick with Australia for now, and as I state below, I'm bringing the BRITS to ME! Bwa-ha-ha.

George Washington would be so proud of me!

Now you're telling my Bro to move to Thornton?

Why don't you dickweed? Sounds more your style. Or, how about Lafayette? You'd do well there, full of new homes and safe, safe places to hang. And you all can keep your little noses in the air, because while you'd drop the big bucks at "Trader Joe's" you'll be damned if you shop at Wal-mart. You stuck-up Fucks.

I see all you you everyday. Dressed the same, talking the same, drinking your coffee in the morning, Chipolte or Heidi's for lunch? Sounds divine! And some free-range curry chicken for dinner? Oh and you KNOW the exact right wine for spicy curry huh! And on the weekend you get all geared up (who you riding for Fool?), strap your bike to the top of your VW/Honda/Range Rover and ride! You listen to lame music, real loud. You eat boring food. You fuck boring people. You ARE BORING.

No - YOU MOVE. You GET OUT OF NORTH DENVER. And we can harken back to the time where there was TRUE DIVERSITY amongst home-owners, renters and businesses. The whiteness is creeping past Federal (you know Federal? The Street you ALL AVOID because it's full of MEXICANS? Yea, we hear your little conversations), till the boringification of Denver is complete. We'll all be drinking soy milk before we know it. But not me! I'd rather die on my feet then live on my stomach with my head stuck in the sand of Boring Central.

We Cuss TOO MUCH

We cuss here, we cuss there, we cuss everywhere. I'm pretty fucking tired of it too.

I know what you mean about pussies

I mean - you say : I like your pussy -- and the girls get all pissed off? Like a guy can't love pussy? Like that makes him some sort of wimp? Because he likes to wind-down by petting his long-haired pussy at night? It's because everything is sexualized (right on!) nowadays, so when one speaks of their undying love of pussy, well, people get the wrong impression.

You people are sick! BUT, not as sick as ME! Bwa-ha-ha....

Speaking of the EYE DOCTOR

Where oh where can you be Dr. P? I'm missing you! Well, I miss oggling you that is. He's probably on vacation, with his fugly wife you doesn't understand the dish that is RIGHT THERE BESIDE HER. Lovely to look at and better to hold, but remember: if you should break it, to you it is sold.

I'm buying!

Today this Monkey is H-H-Happy to be Alive

Aw yeah! Good day today. I checked out this other blog, some liberal guy, curious stranger. He lives in my neighborhood. Huh? GO AWAY. Go back to the East Coast. Has a picture of his VW STATION WAGON when he was out in the WILDNERNESS. Yeah, but he went to see Primus, so he's still got that "edge", oh he hasn't submitted to the Boring Coloradoan image quite yet, but give him time! He's well on his way! As the Specials once sang: he's just a stereotype. Right in my backyard! Yea Me!

But even that cain't keep me down! No it cain't! I'm HIGH ON LIFE TODAY.

You Know What Sounds Good?

A Deep Plug Aeration, with the 3" plugs, deepest in town. That sounds good, it would go well with exotic amateur sausage. Call before it gets too hot!! Maybe that would finally save my lawn.

Youre not being SENSITIVE TO MY SENSITIVITIES

I'm very sensitive when being accused of being a....yuppie. Okay - where's my Volvo? Don't have one! Where's my black lab/golden retriever? Don't have one! Where are my birkinstocks? Don't own any! Where are my khaki shorts? Don't have ONE pair! Where is my Dave Matthews CD? Huh? Like I'd listen to that dribble?

Any way, everyone knows a REAL yuppie wouldn't know the name Josh Homme, while that one name sends me all a-flutter! Flutter! Flutter!

I have told you monkies before of my Charitable Leanings

I'm taking it one step further. As the long-time SIMM readers know, I offered my home as a refuge for all those fine, displaced Iraqi men. I am now offering a home for those displaced and "tortured" Iraqi "resistance fighters", or your common, every day Saddam thug.

They've been BROKEN DOWN and they're ready for some FEMALE domination. Being made to feel like a woman worse than a bullet between the eyes gentlemen? Oh yes, you'll feel more like a woman than any time before once you get to mi casa, oh yes you will! And you'll learn to say: thank you Mother may I have another? and I will HAPPILY oblige. These bitches are begging for it - the pictures don't lie! More pictures! Graphic hard-on ones please, if you've got em.

Bwa-ha-ha. I love being an American Woman.

It has been said, by those lesser than Me

That I shall score in 2004. This may or may not be true, but my best bet in scoring lies in Scotland. Oh yes. And I love to hear his sexy voice when he calls. And he asks what kind of car I have - I answer and he says "ah, you're quite posh then?" Aww yeah I am! Then I proceed to tell him of my palatial home on the western slope overlooking this great city we call Denver.

SIR - I VEHEMENTLY DISAGREE

I. AM. NOT. A. YUPPIE. I have never been! I will never be! Why, is there a MORE insulting thing you could possibly say? Is there a more low-down, back-stab set-up thing you could imply??? Say what you will, this Monkey ain't never been a yuppie.

I will however, tell you of my new Boyfriend.

Thomas Dolby

Ain't the way to start your day, let me tell you this much.

And the lone American hostage ESCAPED!

Yah! He did. Now we'll get to hear the following story (variation of): Dairy Farmer - out of work! - desperate - farmland desperate in the middle country of the USA! - taking dangerous work for Halliburton (ewww, *ee-vil*) - forced to go to a foreign country and risk his life for *ee-vil* or *ooii-elll*, financed of course by Halliburton - yes, he's put a price on his American life, but all is well.

I'm glad and happy he is homeward bound.

I want to see more Torture Pictures!

Those sexy ones, of the naked Iraqi's piled atop one another, soft brown skin meeting soft brown skin, heated glances and hotter moments of LUST. With silly goofy American's smiling behind them. Those ones! They should of done a slow-motion man to man prison video too! What's the big deal? Everyone knows the men fuck the boys in the Middle East, it ain't no secret. Because G-d forbid they touch a female! Can't have any of that! No, so they screw each other till they find the lovely maiden to marry/enslave. I knew a person who knew a person who lived below two guys from Saudi Arabia, and every night he would hear those two making hot & heavy man love. But they're not gay!

My Beautiful Monkies

Welcome back to Simms17. You are right, I do not post enough. However, in my defense I will state that it takes time to ruminate over the various bullshit (worthless I might add) before I put it to work, here on Super Intelligent Mystery Monkeys. Work for all of you tools that read but don't comment. I know you! I see you RIGHT NOW. Don't deny.

Let's talk about Michael Jackson. It's apparent he's trying to appear more "normal", hence the new 'do and eye glasses. Yet, still, he's a super-freak. Right now, his new "conservative" image is still scary as fuck, almost scarier than earlier versions, I mean the versions of the past 10 years.